the closure myth.

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We all have them. Those things in our lives that have gone unfinished. The things that ended abruptly or without explanation. The relationships, the opportunities, and the dreams that we once pursued but lost by the wayside. I can think of at least five in my own life as I write this.

They are the things that you do your best to not even acknowledge because the loose ends bother you too much. You don’t even attempt to seek closure with those things because, well, how would you get it? So much of what we desire closure from are based on circumstances outside of our control, so why even go there?

Recently, I’ve learned that that is a lie I had believed for far too long. There’s this myth that something has to happen TO you in order for closure to take place.

An apology from someone.
An explanation from someone.
Something happening that causes it all to suddenly “make sense.”
Something that assures you you’re better off.

Here’s the thing about closure, though. Closure isn’t about something happening TO you, it’s about something happening WITHIN you.

Right now I should probably dedicate this post to my best friend Jessi, who helped me come to this realization earlier this year. I can’t imagine how much she listened to me whine and complain about “well if just this happened I would be fine.” She gave me the tough love I needed to hear – that the closure I was so desperately seeking had nothing to do with my circumstances, other people, etc. Instead, it had everything to do with a) taking responsibility for my own life and b) working it out with God and God alone.

What I’m trying to say is this. Sure – you could go on in your life and just try to forget or be in denial about your unfinished business. Or you can use those experiences to grow as a person, strengthen your trust in God, and learn from it for the future.

With that being said, I DO think it’s important to impart closure when necessary. When the ball is in your court, give closure where closure is due. For example, if you decide to leave a job, a church, or a relationship, I believe that having integrity and making your intentions clearly known is the important and respectable thing to do.

When you don’t receive that in return, though, don’t let it make you bitter. That’s where the importance of forgiveness comes in – forgiving others and forgiving yourself. But we’ll save that for another post…

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What are your thoughts on this? In what area(s) of your life do you need closure?

being a girl in nyc: post two.

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This is part of the “being a girl in nyc” series by Jessi and I for our Community Group at Liberty Church. These posts are based solely on our own thoughts, opinions, and experiences.

On Self Awareness

Last year, Jessi and I both read “Date or Soul Mate?” by Neil Clark Warren. Despite the ridiculously cheesy title, it was a really helpful and insightful book. What made it different and more helpful than other dating books is that instead of just offering advice and prescriptions for dating, it had you first look inward by asking questions about yourself in order to determine what it is you actually need and want out of a relationship.

The point of being self aware before dating or entering into a relationship (or even in friendships) is that you must first know yourself as much as possible before partnering with another person. According to the book, the most successful relationships are ones where two people working towards personal wholeness come together, rather than two people looking to fulfill some sort of void.

Not to mention that the more you know yourself and are confident in who you are, you’ll more quickly be able to tell if someone would be a good match for you.

I highly suggest reading the book an answering the questions for yourself (including the “must-haves” and “can’t stands” list, which Jessi will address in a future post). But just to give you an idea, here are some of the self-awareness questions that the book suggests answering about yourself.

1) Who is the most important person in your life, and why?
2) What is it like being you? More precisely, how do you feel about yourself – physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
3) What is the most important thing in the world to you?
4) If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be?
5) What is the role of God in your life?
6) Do you think of yourself as an emotionally healthy person? In what ways are you especially healthy, and in what ways could you use improvement?

For me, answering those questions really changed the way I think about relationships in general. I realized that not only do I want to be confident and secure in who I am, but that I want to be surrounded by people who are of themselves as well. It’s not that we have to have it all figured out, but I think that at least a basic level of self awareness is crucial before being in meaningful relationships with other people.

Do you consider yourself to be self aware? Which of those questions do you think is the most insightful?

being a girl in nyc: post one.

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This is part of the “being a girl in nyc” series by Jessi and I for our Community Group at Liberty Church. These posts are based solely on our own thoughts, opinions, and experiences.

The Myths and Truths of Christian Dating

Dating can be difficult enough on its own, but a lot of times Christian dating can be even more confusing. Unfortunately God doesn’t lay out blue prints in the Bible of who, where, when, and how we should date. Because of that, there are countless myths out there about what Christian dating should or shouldn’t look like. Here are some of the common ideas about Christian dating that Jessi and I think are incorrect, and what we believe is the real truth behind them.

MYTH: There is only one person meant just for you.

TRUTH: First of all, this isn’t anywhere in the Bible. Don’t get me wrong – I absolutely believe that God knows ours needs and desires (more than we know our own) and that He knows the perfect person we will ultimately end up with. But if there was only one single person for everyone, then wouldn’t that mean the whole order of the universe was thrown off the moment two wrong people got together? Like I said – God does know the perfect person we’ll end up with, but I think it’s important to remember that timing, disposition, and each person’s free will is part of what determines who that is.

MYTH: Christians should just hang out as friends because real dates are too serious.

TRUTH: I think this is one of the main things that makes Christian dating so confusing. Guys are somehow under the impression that taking a girl on a date is leading them on, so they organize a less serious “hang out” if they’re interested. The problem with that, though, is that it makes intentions unclear. Here’s the thing about dating – whether you’re a Christian or not, a lot of times it just doesn’t work out. And that’s okay. It’s better to at least make your intentions known and have everything out on the table. It’s not a sin if it doesn’t end in a relationship or marriage! Not to mention that Christian girls are still girls. We all love to feel desired and be pursued in the way we deserve.

MYTH: Having the same faith is the most important thing in a relationship – everything else will work itself out around that.

TRUTH: Yes – sharing the same faith is crucial – and not just because the Bible says so. Being on the same page with your beliefs affects every other aspect of a relationship. With that being said, though, sharing the same faith doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to click with someone emotionally, physically, intellectually, or even on a spiritual level. You wouldn’t choose a best friend just because you’re both Christians, so why would you do that with a potential mate?

MYTH: Dating a Christian means you won’t encounter any relationship problems.

TRUTH: This is similar to the last myth. Just because you’re dating a Christian, it doesn’t mean that everything is going to be rainbows and angels singing in the background at all times. All relationships require at least some sort of work to successfully grow and become healthier, and you’re setting yourself up for failure if you don’t realize that. Choosing the right person with the same faith is only the very beginning of the journey.

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What are some myths about (Christian) dating you have believed?
Which of these myths or truths do you agree/disagree with the most?