adventures in tinder.

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A couple of months ago I posted about the dating app revolution that is Tinder. Well, a few days after that, I started using Tinder for myself. You know, for research purposes 😉

Honestly, I was really wary at first. I didn’t think Tinder was “my kind of thing” (which, I was right about). But after that original post I got a ton of readers asking me to review it. And I reminded myself that it is just an app, after all.

I stopped using Tinder a couple of weeks ago for reasons I’ll explain in a bit, but it was definitely an interesting experience that I’m excited to share about.

Here are the pros and cons I learned from using Tinder.

tinder

the pros of Tinder.

1. it builds confidence.
I get asked out here and there in “real life”,” but it’s quite the confidence booster to see that guys I found really attractive thought that I was as well.

2. it greatly opens possibly.
This one is pretty obvious – on Tinder you become open to meeting hundreds or thousands of people that you might not otherwise. I’ve heard of many people meeting their boyfriend/girlfriend on Tinder so…who knows!

3. it’s free, uncomplicated, and can be fun.
Tinder doesn’t have the commitment level of online dating, which might appeal to a lot of people who want to meet new singles without spending money or creating a full profile. Not to mention it’s simple, and can just be plain fun.

4. it’s (oddly) like meeting people in real life.
This is something my friend mentioned before that I did find to be true.

5. it’s a learning experience.
I’m a big believer that being self aware is really important when it comes to dating and being in a relationship. Using Tinder helped me realize more about what I like, need, and deserve when it comes to dating.

tinder_match

the cons of Tinder.

1. it seemed like a lot of people view it as a game, or just a means to hook up.
This was the main issue for me. I’m definitely not saying that all guys view Tinder this way, but most of the guys I chatted with…well, it ended pretty quickly when I could tell we didn’t have the same intentions. I definitely chatted with some decent guys too, but I guess got sick of “weeding through” the others (then again, I suppose that’s life in general when it comes to dating).

2. you don’t always know what you’re going to get.
This is something I knew going into using Tinder, and it can definitely be fun to meet someone for the first time without knowing much about them. But even though I saw pictures and chatted with guys before going out with them, it’s still essentially a blind date. I much prefer having met someone first to gauge if there’s at least a bit of a connection before going on a date.

3. I wasn’t coming across my “type” of guy.
The reason I put “type” in quotation marks is because the older I get and the more I date, the more I realize that I actually *don’t* have a type. However, for me it’s important to date a guy that’s a) a Christian and b) looking for more than just a hookup. I’m *not* saying that those guys can’t be or aren’t on Tinder, but I didn’t meet any in the 2-3 months I was on there.

tinderlogo

So as you can see, I actually came up with more pros than cons with it comes to Tinder. However, with where I’m at in life right now, the cons (especially #1 and #3) are “bigger” enough than the pros that I’ve stopped using Tinder. So while I wouldn’t say Tinder is terrible, I’m personally going to keep at it the old fashioned way.

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Have you tried Tinder? Which of these do you agree/disagree with most?

ask G, part 6.

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1. Can you tell us the story of how you and Jessi met and became best friends? – anonymous

We first met at Liberty Church! Then we saw each other again at a church Sisterhood event, talked about my blondies (haha), went out to a friend’s birthday party afterward, and literally became best friends within a few weeks. And we’ve been ever since!

2. Is there anything you won’t/don’t blog about? – anonymous

I don’t really post about my dating life because it just seems…weird (especially in the beginning stages of dating someone). When I’m in a serious relationship I’ll post about it.

I also try not to post often about (bad) things that I’m going through in life. It’s not that I’m trying to hide anything, it’s just that most of those things are actually pretty dumb, and I hate to put off a “woe is me” attitude when I know that I’m actually very blessed.

3. I just graduated college and ended a relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years. I want to start dating, but I’m so nervous and don’t know where to begin. What’s your best piece of advice for dating in your 20s?? – Allison

I can definitely relate. I went through a similar situation, and honestly I put off dating for years because I hated the idea of it. I have a lot of thoughts on dating/relationships, but I think the biggest thing is just don’t over-think it. I can only speak from personal experience, but any time I over-think I find myself not acting like myself, and being yourself is so very important when it comes to dating (and any relationships, for that matter). Go easy on yourself, enjoy the time getting to know a new person, and observe the interaction/how you feel. I feel like we tend to over-complicate things when it comes to dating/relationships when it should really be quite…simple.

4. Who is your celebrity crush? – Adam

Can I name a few? 😉 Bradley Cooper, Jon Hamm, and Charlie Hunnam.

5. Do you have any tattoos? – anonymous

Yes, I have 4. Soon to be 5, possibly!

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Please note that I’m *not* an expert and that this advice is based solely on my own experiences and thoughts. Have a question? Feel free to leave it as a comment on this post or ask me anonymously.

Do you have/want any tattoos?
Celebrity crush?

match.com singles in america event.

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Yesterday while everyone was a NYFW event of some sort, I went to an event for something I’m much more interested in – dating!

The Match.com 4th annual Singles in America panel was held at Toshi’s Living Room in the Flatiron Hotel.

For about an hour guests mingled, enjoyed snacks, and special Valentine’s Day themed cocktails by Vangogh Vodka.

Then, it was time for the discussion! On the panel was Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger, celebrity blogger Perez Hilton, Relationship Expert Dr. Emily Morse, Cosmo Sex & Relationship Editor Anna Breslaw, and Biological Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher.

For an hour they discussed all things dating and relationships based on a recent study done by Match.com. Here are some of the tidbits I found to be most interesting:

 

* the top 3 things people notice first in a person are: 1) teeth 2) confidence 3) grammar

* most people no longer follow the “3 day rule” of calling after a date

* according to Patti, NYC girls should go to the suburbs to meet guys

* according to Emily, “the issues you have on the 3rd date are issues you’ll probably have forever.”

* bars are statistically the worst place to meet people

* people are now meeting online more than anywhere else

 

I was definitely surprised by some of those stats. It was really fun and insightful hearing about the study, as well as the thoughts/opinions of the different experts.

Which of those statistics do you agree/disagree with most?

What are the top 3 things you first notice in a guy/girl?

do you tinder?

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I don’t know about where you’re from, but in New York there’s a dating app that seems to be changing the way New Yorkers meet each other.

I have a bunch of friends who are on Tinder, and they seem to like it a lot. It’s an app that links to your Facebook account (but that remains private on the FB end), and you basically browse through other singles in your area. You can either “like” or “pass” on each person, and if they have “liked” you as well, Tinder matches the two of you up for further conversation.

One of my friends in particular has tried a handful of other dating sites like EHarmony, Ok Cupid, and Match.com, and she says that the Tinder app has actually gotten her better dates. She’s currently about to go on date #3 with a guy she considers boyfriend material.

As someone who hasn’t tried Tinder (or any dating website/apps), I was interested in learning more. So I started grilling my friend, and here’s what I found.

The number one thing she said she likes about Tinder is that it’s the most close to meeting someone for the first time in real life – it’s back to the basics of attraction – whereas other dating websites tend to share more personal information.

Some other upsides of Tinder:

* you know the other person is attracted to you too (without them knowing you’ve “liked” them)
* you can see what mutual friends/interests you have
* it’s easy to use and not complicated (no profiles to fill out, etc.)
* it’s free
* if you don’t “like” someone, they cannot contact you

Some of the downsides of Tinder:

* you’ll most likely see people you know on there (if that bothers you…I say who cares?)
* you might have to click a lot of “passes” before you find a “like”
* there’s always the risk of creepy people, and I’ve heard of a few not-so-great instances
* it’s based on very little information about the other person
* some people view it as more of a game

What do you think about Tinder? I’m still pretty traditional when it comes to dating, but the concept of Tinder is pretty interesting to me. I also like how it’s become mainstream and…well, normal. So who knows…maybe I’ll see what I think about it myself 😉

Do you know of anyone who met in Tinder? What about other dating websites/apps?

being a girl in nyc: post six.

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This is part of the “being a girl in nyc” series by Jessi and I for our Community Group at Liberty Church. These posts are based solely on our own thoughts, opinions, and experiences.

on not losing yourself.

A few weeks ago we talked about the importance of being self aware and how it relates to dating/being in a relationship. The key to being self aware, though, is that you continue to do so! I think it’s so unfortunate when people enter into a relationship (or even friendship) and start to change who they truly are in order to please the other person or to make the relationship work.

Losing yourself in a relationship or another person isn’t something that happens overnight. Usually it happens slowly and without you even noticing it. It’s easy to become so caught up in feelings you’re having that you don’t even realize you aren’t being fully your true self.

Here are some questions I think are good to ask yourself to make sure you’re staying to true your identity.

1) Does the person you’re dating support your passions/calling in life?
If not, I don’t think I have to tell you that that’s a huge red flag. Whether he/she “gets” it or not, having someone who supports you and is always on your team is a must-have, if you ask me.

2) Do they get along with your friends (and vice versa)?
Who people “do life” with says a lot about who they are, as it does in your own life. I understand that not everyone is always going to completely hit it off, but feeling like your friends and significant other don’t mesh isn’t something to be ignored.

3) Do you ever feel yourself needing to change (even just downplay) things about yourself?
This is one that you really need to pay attention to because it happens subtly. The moment you feel yourself wanting to make sure to “do this” or “look like this” – really examine why you’re feeling that way (it’s not always a bad thing, but something you should reflect on). This is an area that it’s really good to talk to a friend about. A lot of times our friends can see these things in us better than we can see them ourselves.

4) Is the relationship strengthening or taking away from your relationship with God?
This is probably the number one thing you need to ask yourself. Thankfully, the answer will most likely be very clear to you.

5) If you do find yourself changing, are the changes positive?
Change isn’t always a bad thing! When you get closer to another person, sometimes it’s inevitable. The important thing is to make sure that the changes are for the better. For example - are you being challenged to become a better person and/or grow in your faith? Are you learning how to communicate better? Becoming more spontaneous? etc.

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Have you ever lost yourself in a relationship? Which of these questions can you relate to the most?

being a girl in nyc: post five.

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This is part of the “being a girl in nyc” series by Jessi and I for our Community Group at Liberty Church. These posts are based solely on our own thoughts, opinions, and experiences.

on passion and chemistry.

Back when I wrote the post on the myths and truths behind Christian dating, I realized how important this particular topic is to me. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard and seen settle in to relationships because “it’s the right thing to do” or just because “he’s a great Christian man.”

Well, that’s all well and good…but what about being madly, truly, passionately in love with someone? Just because that’s the aspect of love often depicted in fairy tales, that doesn’t mean that it’s not real. And it certainly doesn’t mean that it’s not important.

Here are some of my thoughts on passion and chemistry in a relationship.

Sometimes chemistry occurs instantly between two people. Some Christians see this as being a negative thing because it’s “just too fast” and “can’t be healthy.” I don’t fully agree with that. I firmly believe in and have experienced having an instant connection with someone, and I’ll be honest – it’s pretty great. If you’re being wise and using discernment, timing and speed can become irrelevant. With that being said, though, it really is important to make sure you don’t let that chemistry overshadow other important aspects of being in a relationship, like the things you put on your “must have” and “can’t stand” lists.

Other times, it can take some time to grow. And that’s okay too. I personally think that’s why it’s so important to give people the chance at least 2-3 dates. I’ve been on dates with guys where I was “so-so” at first, but by the third date I realized I did in fact really like him. A lot of times the strongest connection between two people is one that is discovered slowly.

Passion and chemistry – to us – is a “must have.” Whether it’s instant or grows over time, it just HAS to be there. We see passion and chemistry as one of the things that acts as glue in a relationship. When issues come and go, there is the common bond of intimacy on a different level that nothing can tear apart.

…but it’s not the only thing. Like I said before, focusing on having a relationship with only passion (and no communication, trust, etc.) can be the foundation for an extremely unhealthy and unfulfilling relationship.

You might be thinking, “but I’ve heard that passion fades, so why is it that important?”
Honestly, I don’t believe that to be true. Yes – love and passion does change and evolve over time. I’m no expert, but I am surrounded by many couples that have been married for 10, 20, 40 years (including my own parents), and they have proven that it is possible to keep the passion there long-term. In fact, most of those couple are even more passionately in love when they were in their honeymoon phase.

Lastly, I believe that God wants us to experience Eros love with another human being, as depicted in the book of Song of Solomon. The partnership between a man and woman is meant to symbolize the covenant relationship between Christ and His bride (the church), and I believe that that love is supposed to feel stronger than a friendship, and deeper than it being “the right thing.” God is purposeful and intentional, so I believe He created passion and chemistry for a reason.

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What are your thoughts on passion and chemistry within a relationship? Is it a “must have” for you?