When I first started writing this post, I tried to find a way to apply it to all areas of life. But, it just wasn’t coming together. It was messy, and I was having trouble getting my point across. So I slept on it, and the next day I realized that it should be focused specifically on dating/relationships. Writing about dating makes me all sorts of nervous and weird, which is totally not like me, so that makes me think that I am supposed to share it all the more.
In most areas of life, I’ve pretty much always been a “have a plan B” (and sometimes plan C) sort of person. You know - in case something (or someone) didn’t turn out the way I hoped - I had something to fall back on.
Over the past few months, though, that’s something that God has really been challenging me on. I heard a message from Todd White where he said over a dozen times how Jesus is plan A, and there is no plan B. That struck a serious chord within me and *my* relationship with Jesus. After a few days of meditating on that, I began to think about how it applied to other areas of my life as well.
What I realized is that I had that mentality pretty dug in deep when it came to dating specifically. And, looking around at my peers and society today, I think it’s safe to say that that’s a mentality that mostly everyone has.
It’s only natural, when you think about it. Whether it’s because someone just wants to have a bunch options to have fun, or to combat the fear of rejection, this day in age (dating apps - HELLO) makes it easier than ever to have as many plan B’s as you could possibly want.
There’s the plan B that is ridiculously good looking, but it kinda sorta stops there.
…the plan B that you’re head over heels for, but it isn’t reciprocated (or vice versa).
…the plan B who is everything on paper you could ever want, but the chemistry is lacking.
…the plan B who gives you just enough to stick around, yet you know deep down it’s not enough.
I apologize for how ridiculously harsh it seems to define human beings as just “plan B’s,” but I think you know where I was trying to go with that. Plan B’s aren’t necessarily specific people - they’re types of relationships that you know deep down are not right for you, but you keep them around anyway.
For such a long time I thought, well - where’s the harm in having plan B relationship? It’s just to hold me over and keep me distracted until plan A comes along, right? And you never know - plan B could always turn out to be plan A!
I get that - I totally do. And for a lot of people, that might work. But in my own life, especially as of late, I feel pretty strongly that it doesn’t exactly work that way.
Because here’s the thing I’m learning about having a plan B. Yes - it does a great job of distracting you until plan A comes along, but to what extent? Is it so distracting that you’re actually putting off finding your plan A even longer without realizing it?
For me (truth serum) that has looked a lot like waiting and hoping that a plan B relationship would suddenly turn into a plan A. It has been changing things about myself to be more appealing to the wrong guys, when I should have been focusing on becoming the woman that my future husband will eventually find and think - there she is.
At first it’s scary to kick the plan B’s and C’s. They’re usually still pretty decent options. But please remember that your hopes and desires for that plan A relationship - even if you haven’t found it yet - is there for a reason.
Our hopes and dreams and desires are there for a reason. Don’t settle for the second rate version. I challenge you to not even pay plan B any mind and just keep your focus on plan A.
It’s not “eye on getting attention,” or “eye on something is better than nothing.” It’s eye on the prize. Eye on YOUR guy. Eye on YOUR girl.
This isn’t about being entitled, it’s about being hopeful. It’s about having faith. It’s about knowing your value, and believing in what you deserve.
I think it’s important to note that it’s also about respecting the other person! I have admittedly been some guys’ plan B (and maybe even a plan D or E at one point…that’s New York, for ya :P), and it obviously sucks. So why would I ever want to do that to someone else?
Sometimes plan A might take a little longer, and it might be more difficult to achieve, but you know (you KNOW) it’s so much more worth it in the end.
I may not be an expert, but I know this much about successful relationships - they only work if you’re both each other’s plan A.
So for me…that’s what I’m holding out for. No more backup plan. There’s only plan A. And that’s actually pretty freeing.
**********
Can you relate? Have you found dating these days becoming more difficult because everyone has so many alternatives?
Related posts:
How Social Media Is Making Us Terrible Daters
On Not Losing Yourself
How To Move On
On Passion and Chemistry
The Closure Myth
yes x 100000. thank you for sharing and for your truth and vulnerability. i know whoever God has planned for you is the absolute best plan A and better than you could ever imagine!
hehe thanks girl 🙂 xoxoxo
Oh my goodness, this post is SO GOOD. As a fellow New Yorker, I admittedly tend to have Plan B’s…even so far as dating one for two years, even though I knew it wasn’t right! This is such a good reminder to never settle for less than you deserve. LOVE, LOVE LOVE THIS.
Thanks for this comment! I definitely think this is an issue that’s more prevalent in NYC (unfortunately), but I refuse to get sucked into it!
This is such a great post, thank you! I only found your blog yesterday but I think I’ll never stop reading! I agree with you at all levels. The society is pushing us to “try as much as we can” in all areas of life-including relationships. It’s very hard to resist dating just to date, just to not be alone-but as you, I believe it will pay off eventually. Anyway, thank you for writing this down!
I really like your blog, it’s rare to find a lifestyle/fashion blog written by a Christian girl!
x
Hey Magdalena, so glad you found GML! 🙂
“The society is pushing us to “try as much as we can” in all areas of life–including relationships.” <— that is SO true. While I think that dating can definitely be a good thing, I think sometimes we let relationships go further than they should when we know they're not right for us. Sometimes that might be after a first date, other times after more. But deep down I think we all eventually "know," ya know? 🙂
Thanks so much for the kind words! xx
You ROCK! I originally subscribed to your blog to hopefully one day talk to you about some business but this post and several others have solidified my status as a Gracie groupie. Hit me up on that email I provided if you want to talk some time.
haha, thanks so much Ian! Gracie groupie - definitely never thought I’d hear that one 😛
Oh to the mG… She spoke to me!!! I’m never washing this computer screen again. 😉
Great post and blog! I’ve been trying to find a good lifestyle blog for a while but it’s been hard! It doesn’t seem to be as popular to blog here in the US as it is in Sweden where I’m from. I moved to the US five years ago and only follow Swedish bloggers, so I thought it was time to find some American bloggers as well:)
I’m writing about my life in the US but also about Sweden and some funny anecdotes and culture clashes:)
I love this! I know a few women who clearly met “Plan A” guys who all say the same thing - they would have been be willing to wait ten, twenty more years for their “Plan A” guy over ending up with anyone else. Thanks for a great post!
Exactly!
Yes, I can definitely relate to this. Often times, I’ll meet a guy and I won’t really be sure if he’s actually interested me, or if I’ve just become “another choice,” because of how many other possibilities there are. It’s hard to determine what their feeling, or if I’ll see them again.
I could be wrong in this, but I fall in the camp that believes if a guy is into you, you’ll know it. I’ve heard a lot of people say “it doesn’t work like that anymore” or “guys aren’t like they used to be,” but I disagree. I’ve seen plenty of guys pursue girls in my life relentlessly, so they’re still out there! You should never feel like you’re just another choice, so if you do, I can’t help but think that he’s not the right guy anyway. You’re worth feeling pursued and valued! xx
Great post, Gracie! I think it’s so easy to settle for a plan B especially in dating because let’s be honest - who wants to be alone? No one. But it really is true that it’s better to be alone than with the wrong person. I had to learn that lesson the hard way, but I’m thankful I learned it before it was too late.
It’s SO true!
love. this.
<3
Courtney Hansen says
WOW. Just what I needed today. WOW. I was in church a few weeks ago and a series on marriage/relationships. He mentioned it says in the bible some people are meant to be single. Thoughts?
Hey Courtney! So this is purely my opinion - just FYI 😉 While I do think that some people are called to be single, I think that that’s more of a rare case. I believe that God created us to be in covenant marriage relationships, and I also believe that He wouldn’t give you a strong desire to be married if that wasn’t in His will for your life. God is kind and a good Father, so I don’t believe He would withhold something from us that we desire greatly, especially if it’s something that would glorify Him (which marriage does). For someone who is truly called to singleness, I believe that they will hear that clearly from God and be at peace with it - not constantly wondering if they’re being punished or something like that. I hope that makes sense, and like I said it’s just where I stand on that!
Shelley says
I never comment but this post struck a chord with me!!! Awesome point. I recently ended a relationship with the type of plan B that is perfect on paper and an all around good guy. It was difficult to end it with someone who treated me so well, but I knew deep down there was something missing and that my hapiness meant more.
Great advice and insight. Thank you xox
Thanks for this comment, Shelley! I’m glad it resonated with you. I can relate, and that’s a very difficult relationship to end. But just remember that you also did the right thing for his sake, you know? xx
Ah! Again with a very on-point post! I go over this in my head ALL THE TIME! For the second or third time I have deleted “Plan B” guys from my contact list. I alway thought there was nothing wrong with hanging out with guys I used to date… This is so not the right mentality! They might be great people but they definitely prevent me from moving on to who I am really supposed to be with! I tend to connect with the traveling sort and many guys I really get live far away (California or Canada). I’m not willing to settle for the sake of convenience. I know that right guy is out there and until I find him I will just work on myself (gym, job, family, hobbies). I definitely think he is out there looking for me too! 🙂
Thanks for this comment, Kimberley! It seems like you’ve definitely got the right attitude. I think he’s out there looking for you too 😀
As a fellow New Yorker, I can totally relate to the perils of dating in this city! I definitely got caught up in hanging onto the Plan Bs for far too long, but when the Plan A eventually came around, it was like a light switched on 🙂
Love that!!
laura dowdy says
Gracie, you’re a genius .
Such a good post. 🙂
Ugh. Dating. I can’t begin to count how many times I’ve been told I’m “just too picky”. How about I just don’t want to settle?! I’m a big believer in chemistry…physical, mental, all of the above. If my gut feeling tells me something is off, it probably is and I’m not going to ‘waste’ months or years of my life. Some people may say I’m missing out on experience, by not dating more or whatever, but I don’t mind being single. I’m okay doing my own thing. BUT, with that said, I’m bit nervous for if and when I begin a relationship, that I may be SO used to doing my own thing…it will be difficult for me to navigate a relationship. Time will tell. I look forward to finding my partner, whenever it’s meant to happen. PS. If anyone knows any great, single men, roughly age 27-32, please let me know 🙂
I hear ya! I don’t love the term picky. I *do* think it’s important to self examine and make sure I’m not counting out great guys for the wrong reasons, but after that I think it’s okay and important to know when the chemistry just isn’t there. It doesn’t make one a bad person, and it’s actually important to realize not only for yourself but out of respect for the other person.
As far as navigating being in a relationship goes - I wouldn’t worry about that 🙂 When you’re with the right person, I don’t think it’s really a matter of navigating it at all - just be yourself, and it will come naturally! xx
I think this is my favorite of favorite posts that you have ever written. Love it enough to comment, which I never do 🙂
Wooo! That makes me happy. Thanks for this! xx
Did you happen to see Aziz Ansari’s article on dating in Time the other week? I thought it was FANTASTIC, and I highly recommend it. It’s online here if you haven’t read it and would like to: http://time.com/aziz-ansari-modern-romance/
I haven’t lived/dated in New York, so I suppose I can’t make a truly fair comparison, but I do live in Chicago and most certainly date in Chicago, and I think the absolute abundance of eligible singles can make it a huge challenge to 1) not want/expect to have a Plan B, just in case and 2) to determine whether or not someone is in fact a “Plan B,” or if you’ve built up this insane, unattainable ideal in your head and refuse to “settle” for anything less than 100% perfection (when, in reality, I think every person will have to “settle” in some capacity, because I truly doubt that there is anyone out there who is 100% perfect — maybe 95% perfect, or 90% perfect, but 100% perfect? I don’t think they’d be human if that were the case.) Like one of the examples Ansari used in his article: passing over someone because they’re a Red Sox fan. Okay, sure, maybe you live and die by the Yankees, so maybe that keeps him/her from being 100% perfect, but really? Is that REALLY enough of a characteristic to completely write someone off? I think one of the biggest keys to making a relationship work is understanding that the person you’re in a relationship with-and this goes for any relationship, romantic or platonic-is, in fact, a person, and therefore fallible and imperfect. They will let you down in one capacity or another at some point, and you have to know how to work around that, be okay with it, and still choose to love them and stay with them even though they’ve hurt you (within reason, of course - if they’re intentionally hurting you, that’s an entirely different story!)
ALL that being said, I am an extremely firm believer in gut feelings when it comes to dating. If something feels off, even if you can’t put your finger on what exactly it is that is wrong, and it doesn’t go away, you’re probably in a Plan B sort of situation that’s not serving you or the other person, and it’d be best to cut your losses and move on.
I couldn’t agree more, Bethany! (I caught myself thinking YES a handful of times reading this comment, ha). I think maybe I should do a separate post at some point related to this and the whole idea of “when is being picky TOO picky” ? Because that’s definitely a problem I’m seeing among singles these days as well.
I think the key is deciding what one’s non-negotiables are. I talked a little bit about it in this post: http://girlmeetslife.com/2013/10/being-a-girl-in-nyc-post-three/
For example, liking the Red Sox is obviously not a non-negotiable, but being someone of good character/integrity is (similar values, communication, stuff like that).
Thank you for this comment and sharing that article!
Dating is so so so so SO SO hard. I hate it, to be honest. All of my relationship-ed friends tell me to enjoy this time, but I find it kind of discouraging and nervewracking more than exciting. Either way, I agree with what you’re saying. Unfortunately I tend to be on the opposite end. I tend to put all of my eggs in one basket and completely ignore everyone around me while I “wait” for who I think is my Plan A to decide if I’m his. I have this wonderful way of choosing unavailable guys (not cheating guys - just guys that aren’t ready for a relationship). I will say that it is easy to jump right back into a dating app or call up a guy that was interested that you forgot about if your Plan A is being annoying. I can’t wait to be someone’s Plan A 🙂 In the meantime, I just have to try to remember what I deserve and not settle for anything less - even if I find out my Plan A isn’t what I had hoped!
Hey girl, thanks so much for this comment! I can definitely relate. I used to feel similarly about dating, but honestly now I love it. Even though I have these thoughts about not having a backup plan, I do still think that dating is a great opportunity to meet new people and learn more about yourself. I also think it’s important to look at dating as being fun and not something taken too seriously, because when it happens, it happens. Ya know? 🙂 And the more you work on just becoming your best self, the more fun it becomes!
Whitney says
Hey girl!
This post was so on-point and brave. Kudos to you for sharing your heart and wisdom. I concur 100%! I think this isn’t something that is discussed enough. Relationships are hard work anyway, but if we allow for concessions and compromise on the big things, ultimately it will fail. Same if we have a ‘Plan B’ in our back pocket, or are focused on making Plan B into Plan A. Isn’t funny how God always knows best what we need?
Thanks for sharing!
He really does! Thanks for this comment, Whitney 🙂 xo
Becca says
Yes. So much yes. God is beating me over the head with this from so many different angles and sources. My silly, stubborn heart, afraid to give up what it had for fear that God might not see fit to give me something new and so much better. Afraid of just how long the meantime season will be. So many people hide the fact that they don’t have this figured out and they’re making mistakes more than once and their heart isn’t quite as whole as they want it to be. Thank you for reminding us single girls that we aren’t alone in walking this road, that what we are trying to learn isn’t something new that only we have to face - there is always someone who understands and knows firsthand. That makes all the difference!
Hey Becca, thank you so much for this comment. Your words are the reason I wrote this post, seriously! xx
Gracie, YES-this is so so good. I have recently started dating someone I’m totally excited about, but can ABSOLUTELY relate to letting millions of plan B’s get in the way, especially with the thinking, “but what if they turn into plan A?” or “what if I’m the one that changes them?” and just wasting my time. I learned A TON through those wrong relationships at the time, but why would I ever want to think that way, rather than being not just confident-but CONVICTED in knowing God already has someone picked out for me. I think having the focus of “what kind of WIFE do I want to be one day” is where it’s at.
it’s truly incredible how pursuing Jesus first and foremost always has things fall into our laps we could’ve never expected or asked for.
here’s to going for A, all day errrry day.
xo
Kaitlyn
@kaithiltz
“I think having the focus of “what kind of WIFE do I want to be one day” is where it’s at.
it’s truly incredible how pursuing Jesus first and foremost always has things fall into our laps we could’ve never expected or asked for.”
Yes times a million. I love how it really is as simple as that. No need for the dating books etc. - God lays it out for us more perfectly than we could ever do on our own!
Thanks for this comment, girl 🙂 xx
ahhhh i love this and needed to read this this morning. talk about God putting something in front of me that He knew i was ready to receive and had to hear! even though i’ve dealt with this whole thing time and time again and reflected upon all of this before, i’ve let it slide since i’ve been in NYC and totally haven’t been focusing on taking relationships seriously at all. perhaps this is my year to change that. 🙂 thanks for sharing your heart! and that vocab word! 🙂
Ah, yay - so glad this came when you needed it! I have a feeling it’s an “in season” thought for a lot of girls right now. xx
Great post. I COMPLETELY relate. I moved to Hong Kong a little over a year ago (it’s basically Chinese NYC lol) where there are TON of expats, yet I was surprised to find that dating is ten times as hard as it was for me in LA. It was extremely depressing at first. No one wants one iota of commitment. Everyone is on the dating sites to hook up. I was never susceptible to dating a Plan B for the time being — I am extremely independent, probably to a fault, so I don’t want to waste my time on someone who I don’t feel is a Plan A — but that left me single since 2008 and hardly having more than a third date with anyone. I don’t think it’s any coincidence I am finally in a relationship, and it’s with someone I met through a friend at a party and became friends with first! So refreshing to learn that online dating in the end just wasn’t for me. I really felt doomed for a while and like something was wrong with me. I think I COMPLETELY went off course there from your blog post, but there it is 😉 I like your dating posts a lot, Gracie!
Thanks for this comment! Glad to hear you’re in a happy relationship 🙂 Yeah, I go back and forth about the dating sites. I’m personally not on any right now, but I don’t have anything against them. I think they’re great for a lot of people, but I do think it varies by location! Just not for me at the time being 😉
I’ve been with my boyfriend now for 7 years, 8 in October. Not engaged quite yet - and that’s okay. I have had people wonder, or even ask me, if he is the one; most of the time they say, “What if there is someone else out there?” It is a good thought, and even harmless, but at the same time…he feels like “it” for me. I’m so utterly and completely happy when I am with him, and the thought of having a Plan B seems a little ridiculous. He’s my Plan A and always will be. I’m so happy to have read this today, as I feel it has confirmed for me that having him (as my own Plan A) is perfectly fine, and how it should be. If I change my mindset, it changes our relationship and I would never want to do that. Beautiful words, Gracie. <3
Glad this post resonated with you! That’s awesome that you have so much confidence in your relationship. Every relationship is different, and not everyone else will always understand that!
I LOVE this post! I actually feel like I’m in the minority here, I don’t have plan B’s with dating. (but I do in real life, lets be real haha). I actually do not date someone at all if I don’t see myself marrying that person. Some people think that’s weird, but I feel like it’s a waste of time and I do not like to settle for anything less than what I want. I truly believe that God will time it all perfectly, as with everything else. The right person will come into your life at the right time and stay.
I love this. I’ve been thinking kind of like this for a while and had a hard time explaining myself, but you put it so beautifully. Thanks - I needed this!
Dating is SO SO SO hard these days and I 100% agree that is has to do with too many options and distractions. I am finding lately that I cannot even get them to meet up in person. They disappear after being so engaged…It’s because they found a better option, because they kept so many options open. Thanks for sharing this post!