Since writing my There’s Only Plan A post and reading all of your comment responses to it, I’ve felt pretty strongly that I should follow up with this one. Thanks especially to Bethany and her comment for inspiring me to address this (she shared this article with me, which is very much worth a read).
One might think that the whole just say no to plan B concept automatically means it’s okay to be picky - to write off guys more easily or more quickly because they’re not the plan A relationship you’ve built up in your mind.
Well, that’s not exactly what I meant.
Have you ever heard someone say “I’m just too picky” like it’s a badge of honor? I have, and I’ve probably been that person before. But the older I get, the more I realize that being picky can actually be a bad thing…and something that can hold you back from not just meeting the right guy(s), but also from becoming your best self.
Don’t get me wrong - I am (clearly) all for not settling. But, let’s always make sure that we’re not misusing the concept of settling. There’s a difference between not settling and just being too damn picky.
So, how do you know what the difference is? I suggest knowing what your non-negotiables are (this post that Jessi wrote does a great job of breaking it down). But for the short version, ask yourself:
What are the characteristics I absolutely must have in a partner?
Sorry, girls - “taller than you in heels” doesn’t quality for this one 😉 I’m talking about bigger picture things like beliefs, values, communication, integrity, etc.
And on that same note -
What are the things I absolutely cannot tolerate in a partner?
For example - infidelity, dishonesty, anger issues, etc.
Does that make sense? I think those are the sort of things I think it’s okay to be “picky” about - not whether or not your partner is brunette, works on Wall Street, or is a Yankees fan.
Look, I’m not saying that you can’t still have certain attributes and characteristics that you look for in a partner. Chemistry is still so SO important, and shouldn’t be ignored.
But here’s the thing - I do believe there is a middle ground. I see so many girls pendulum swing from being hopeless romantics waiting for their dream guy (that may or may not exist) to come to sweep them off their feet…to believing that passion and romance doesn’t exist, so they go for the relationship that just looks good on paper. Life may not be a fairytale, but it also doesn’t have to be like Desperate Housewives.
So for the sake of not seeming like I’m contradicting myself (ha) - what I’m getting at is that I do believe ultimately in plan A relationships, but let’s always make sure we’re not writing off great guys/girls just because they don’t fit into the Plan A Box we’ve (maybe subconsciously) created for ourselves.
So if you’re currently dating - maybe challenge yourself in that. And remember not to pendulum swing - going on a date or two to get to know someone doesn’t have to be this life altering decision - it’s simply the opportunity to get to know someone new and see where it goes. Because if I know anything, it’s that love is a weird thing. A weird but awesome thing. And you never know who might turn out to be your plan A…
What are your thoughts on this? Do you think it’s possible to be too picky?
Related post:
How Social Media Is Making Us Terrible Daters
On Not Losing Yourself
How To Move On
On Passion and Chemistry
The Closure Myth
I definitely think it’s possible to be too picky! I think this past year I’ve been working hard on that for me. I’ve always been the “I want a guy that’s over 6 feet tall, has a good job, likes to travel, good-looking, etc.” type girl and I was realizing that even when I found guys like that, I didn’t feel it with them. I started trying to put that stuff aside and really look at what’s important. Someone with goals and a purpose (or they’re working on it). Someone who is honest. Someone who is loving. Those are things that are more important to me than height. Though I wouldn’t mind if he showed up with a British accent … 😉
That’s awesome! Yeah, I think those realizations come with age
Good for you for having the right attitude!
I love this post! There is a definite difference between being shallow and being picky. It’s important to be picky in terms of the qualities you are looking for in a husband (beliefs, Kindness, Generosity and so forth). It’s also important to not friend zone or write off someone right away because they might be a few inches shorter or wider than you prefer. If you do you may never discover that they have every quality you are looking for in a husband and that could make him 10X more attractive =) So, be picky, not shallow!
Exactly!!
I think that more so than being too picky the biggest issue our generation and others has these days is the “there’s always someone else out there” mentality. That if their partner does one thing wrong they can just up and move on to the next instead of working on the issue. People get married or start living together and it’s wonderful at first and then reality sets in and problems arise (as they do) and the fairytale idea of “this will always be somewhat easy, I will always feel like I love them” starts to be challenged and instead of sticking it out and leaning in we are prone to decide it just isn’t the “right” fit and go about our way again. I think that’s the other side of the not so great Plan B. Not just that you have lesser thans on hold, but that should the one you really want do something unsavory, it’s time to hit the road immediately. These posts are great!
Totally - couldn’t agree more! I talk about that a bit in my “Why Social Media Has Made Us Terrible Daters” post - it’s all about the curse of the alternative. Everyone is always onto the next thing. I’m hopeful, though, and feel like people are realizing that!
I totally agree with this. Some of my friends happened to be the “I’m just picky” (with a proud smirk) type in school and almost managed to make me feel bad for having a boyfriend at times.
I also really like what you’re saying about how important to realise that the “Plan A” idea is all a construction of our own minds.
I always love hearing your point of view! xx, Pia
http://gymbagandjetlags.com
cheyenne says
so im 18 and i have never had a boyfriend. I’ve done the whole hook up thing and friends with benefits but never actually committed. i think i may be too picky but i don’t want to just go for anyone. i mean my type is over 6 foot, has a man bun and tattoos lol but i want to be optimistic towards different types of men.
Hahahah yeah let’s just say I can “relate” to your type 😛 But seriously - you are still SO young. I used to hate when people said that to me, but trust me on this one. Don’t put any pressure on yourself, just enjoy being young and focus on becoming your best self!
Well G, oh yeah, by the way, I’m gonna call you G. You know, GML, Gracie, it’s so fitting. Plus it makes you sound so gangster and I’m assuming that you are everything but that. +++ If you don’t mind that is. But yeah, of course it’s possible to be too picky. Since, well, as they say… Anything is possible. Therefore it’s also possible to end up old and single with 35 cats due to pickiness. 😉
Shoes ladies, shoes… So I generally look for women in the 5’2-5’6″ range which is SUPER limiting. Well when the girl I recently started getting to know popped up as 5’10” (taller than me in flip flops and calling me “little fella” in heals) I obviously thought that this might be an issue for both of us. Well it turns out that Miss Jenuary is super duper cool and we vibe so well together that height hasn’t been any kind of an ordeal.
There’s a video on YouTube titled “The Psychology Of Love” in which the guy goes into detail about the lists you touched on here. Y’all are basically on the same page. Common interests are big along with traits that attract you, but like you said, certain things are way more important than height and hair color.
Let’s talk about height for a second though, as this seems to be a HUGE deal/dealbreaker for many. On POF (Sorry to break your heart G but I’m hundreds of miles away or I would have Plan A’d you months ago 😉 I’m 5’9″ so in reality I’m 5’8″.
Long story just a little bit longer… As you said in the Plan A post, dating sites make being picky WAY to easy. The reason I chose to chime in on the topic was because I truly believe what you are saying. I also think that in order for any type of relationship to ever have any kind of chance that only one plan needs to be focused on at a time. Sure, both guys and girls love a challenge, but I’m pretty sure that we’re all in the same boat when it comes to dropping plans all together when we’re not obviously the other persons first choice.
So on that note… If you find someone that you are interested in… Give them your all and see where it goes. If that ends up being nowhere… Try and try again. Well, either that or buy stock in 9 Lives.
Good day to you G. Thanks for another great read.
Thanks for this comment, Ian! I must say it’s not often that I get a guy’s perspective, so it’s appreciated. I hear ya about the height. For some reason it’s one of those things that girls are super picky about. But I’m sure guys have one of those things too, right? 😛 Best of luck with the new girl (miss January? haha). !
Yay - so glad you did a followup post on this! I am (unsurprisingly) 100% on board with what you have to say here (and I’m glad you linked back to that old post, because though I’m sure I read it when it went up, I had forgotten about it and found it to be a really useful read!). I’ve been actively dating for awhile, and I think finding that middle ground between “Am I compromising?” and “Am I being unrealistic?” can be SO DIFFICULT - or at least it can be for me, especially if you find someone who mostly fits your “list” but is missing one or two qualities (which leads to all other sorts of questions - should this be on my list in the first place? Am I unnecessarily excluding people over this one personality/background characteristic?), or if you find someone who fits your “list” entirely but turns out to be better on paper than in real life. It seems like it shouldn’t be so difficult! I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I lived in a different time period-the 1800s or early 1900s, for example-where you more or less *had* to get married, and obviously didn’t have literally hundreds of thousands of options at your fingertips like you do with smartphones/computers, when your world was MUCH smaller and you had very limited people available to date/marry, and you had to figure out how to make it work. Maybe it’s just due to where I grew up, but I don’t know if I can think of anyone my age with divorced grandparents. Divorced parents, sure, but not divorced grandparents (though I could just be ignorant - I haven’t looked into any statistics on this). I wonder if that’s a product of growing up in a different time. I mean, when I think back on guys I dated more than once, I honestly think that if I had met any of them 50, 75, 100 years ago, we’d probably still be together, because there was nothing GLARINGLY OBVIOUSLY TERRIBLY wrong with any of them or our relationship (or “relationship,” in some of those cases), but they weren’t “perfect” either. Only one of them actually dumped me - the other ones were all a very mutual, amicable parting, because we both agreed that it was good enough, but not OMGAMAZING. That was one of the things that really struck me about Ansari’s article: how his parents have a wonderful, 35-year-long relationship even though they were an arranged marriage - like they said, “We’ve committed to doing life together, so now we need to figure out how to accomplish that goal.” Anyway, I’m getting rambly. I could (obviously) go on and on about this topic forever haha.