being a girl in nyc: post three.

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This is part of the “being a girl in nyc” series by Jessi and I for our Community Group at Liberty Church. These posts are based solely on our own thoughts, opinions, and experiences.

the lists: must haves and can’t stands. {by jessi}

As mentioned in the previous post - last year, Gracie and I both read “Date or Soul Mate?” by Neil Clark Warren. The group as a whole agreed that the “self awareness” section and the “must have, can’t stand” section were the most impactful – and that’s why we’re sharing it now.

The Top 10 List. WHY?

Creating a simple must have/can’t stand checklist can help you to get clear on things you feel you can or can’t live without in a future mate.

The book explains making two top 10 lists - A list of your top 10 “must haves” and a list of your top 10 “can’t stands.” Upon initial reading - I thought this was putting me in a box. I thought instantly this would close every door to actually finding a real person in NYC.

However, the list completely freed me to date - and date better.

I believe that many times we may miss out on a great person because we don’t even know what we are looking for. The list forces you to narrow down to 10 must have’s and 10 can’t stands. You may think “I don’t have a list, and I wouldn’t want to judge someone based on some list.” However, every single person perceives people through a filter of judgment that we have. You could subconsciously be judging if you should go on a 2nd date based on 40+ qualifiers in your head. Narrowing down your list will actually help you to be more open to possibility, and not waste time on someone that you clearly would not match with.

HOW?

The way I explained to my group last time - and the way I created my own list - is a bit different from the group. I suggest creating a very very large list of “must haves” that include any/everything you would possibly look for in a person. Then I would do the same for the “can’t stand” list.

Filter: Now I would begin ranking the list in order of importance.
For example: Someone that loves God was more important to me than someone that has great style.

Make sure to distinguish your needs from your wants, and your preferences from your absolute deal breakers. You may prefer someone who is more than 6 feet tall, but realize you have more important characteristics that you “must have” in a partner such as being a leader or good with finances.

Then do the same with your can’t stand list. These are ABSOLUTE deal breakers. This means, if this person has this quality - then you will not continue dating them.
For example: Without a shadow of a doubt, I couldn’t be with someone that went to strip clubs or didn’t believe in me.

Example of a List: Must Have / Can’t Stand

* Generosity / Self-centered
* Sense of humor / Unmotivated
* Loves God / Thinks he is God
* Good with finance / Infidelity
* Self-awareness / Arrogance
* Family values / Sense of entitlement
* Attractive (I want to kiss him) / Argumentative

Use your list.

For me, this was the hardest part. To be honest, I had a history of dating non-Christians because I just felt hopeless. Once “Loves God” was on my non-negotiable Must Have list, I decided that dating someone that didn’t was just a waste of time for me. I believe that after 3-5 dates - you should have a pretty clear idea if someone is fitting the list or not.

Jessi Says:
I wouldn’t ask you to do something I wouldn’t do myself. After years of dating and long term failed relationships - I decided to really give this a shot.

Did I go on a few dates with people that didn’t fit the list - of course. However, it helped me realize that I shouldn’t keep dating the person, it helped me to have standards for myself and create appropriate boundaries to actually be with the person I would want to spend my life with. After dating Parker for about a month, I decided to check the list. I was ecstatic to see that Parker was every Must Have and NO Cant Stand. Even now being married, he is still everything on the list - and even many things on my really long list.

Gracie Says:
I just want to reiterate what Jessi said about these lists being more freeing than anything. For me, they have really helped me get over the idea of having a “type.” It forced me to decide what is truly important to me to the core, and that actually removed myself and others from boxes.

I also want to agree with the fact just making the list is not enough – you have to use it. While you should always seek guidance from God before all else, if you’re dating someone that is doing things the opposite of what you truly desire, don’t make excuses for them. Remember that you really do deserve and are worthy of the things on that list.

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What is a non-negotiable Must Have for you?

the best part: on embracing change.

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Every year when the autumn season rolls around, I automatically find myself wanting to get all cozied up, bake something delicious, and spend time at home with the people I love. There’s just something about the crisp fall air, earlier sunset, and knowing the holidays are around the corner that makes this my absolute favorite time of year.

There’s also the fact that this season is so symbolic of change and transformation. If you would have asked me two years ago what I thought about change, I would have told you I hated it. But these days - after experiencing changes in location, jobs, relationships, and dreams (some intentional, others not so much) - I can safely say that I now embrace change with open arms.

Autumn is the perfect example of how change and transition doesn’t have to be a scary, ugly thing. Instead, the way the leaves change color and weather becomes crisper proves how change can actually be a beautiful thing.

I’ll never forget what has been the biggest change of my life thus far – when I made the decision to move to New York without a job, and knowing only one person here. The most difficult part was moving away from my family because I am so close to them and couldn’t imagine not seeing them every day. But in my heart of hearts, I just knew that moving to New York was something I was supposed to do.

I can still remember the first two weeks, where I sat in an apartment that still didn’t feel an ounce like home. I’d be all alone, crying my eyes out because of how lonely I was. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t a few times where I thought I had made a mistake and considered pretending the whole move just never happened.

But I pushed through it. Instead of resisting, I let the change happen. I let my life move into a new chapter one. day. at. a. time. Slowly but surely, I got a new job. I started going to a new church and making new friends. The nights at home crying became non-existent because I was out enjoying a brand new city, full of experiences and opportunities.

The truth is, I still miss my family more than anything. But the results of moving to New York far outweigh the life I would be living if I hadn’t overcome the fear of change. Now that I’m here, I have more amazing friends in my life than I could have ever imagined. I have a clearer vision of what I want to do with my life, and the type of person I want to be.

Change can be scary. It can be awkward. And sometimes, things don’t always work out perfectly. But at the end of the day, change is a part of life. The question is only whether or not you’ll fight it, or embrace the beauty that could come on the other side…

What does the fall represent to you? When is the last time you experienced change in a positive way?

The Best Part is an online community that’s dedicated to brightening your day—every day. How? By spreading optimism, one share at a time. The Best Part posts inspirational stories, encouraging quotes, good news and other upbeat items on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram—and encourages fans and followers to share that optimism with their friends. Because when optimism is shared, it grows, making an even more positive impact on our world. Check out what others are sharing on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

 

 

5 reasons new yorkers love fall.

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It’s that time of year again – autumn is finally upon us. While the rest of the world is obsessing over Pumpkin Spice Lattes and making DIY Halloween decorations, New Yorkers have some different things we’re excited about this season.

1. getting places goes from being torturous to enjoyable.

Walking in the summer heat is just miserable, and don’t even get me started on going down into the Subway (I’m pretty sure that’s what hell feels like). Within just a few weeks, though, the commute in NYC goes from being physically intolerable to a part of the day you can actually look forward to.

2. football games.

Let’s be real, I know nothing about football. But I do know that sports bars during football games (especially on the weekend) are one of my favorite places to be in the city during the fall. It’s almost like a bonding experiences for New Yorkers - where we actually do the same thing people are doing in other parts of the country – and even the most pretentious of us don’t mind getting a little bit rowdy.

3. it’s romantic.

Let’s forget about the woes of dating in New York for a moment and instead focus on the joys of dating in the fall. There’s just something about the fall air that makes even the most ordinary of dates extra cozy and romantic.

4. nightlife is better.

During summer it seems like people put off going out until their party weekends in the Hamptons. In the fall, though, New Yorkers don’t have that escape to look forward to. The solution? Just party every night.

5. back to routine.

The summer is great, but we all get to that point where we’re ready to get back to at least some sort of routine. The fall has this strange way of glamorizing structure and makes getting back to “real life” seem appealing. I don’t know if it’s the weather, a new TV season, or knowing that the holidays are around the corner, but I’ll take it.

What’s your favorite thing about NYC (or wherever you live) in the fall?

my first kickboxing class.

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Guess what I did yesterday? The title may have given it away…

That’s right, I took on my first ever kickboxing class at the new UFC Gym in the Financial District.

Someone from the gym recently reached out and asked if I’d like to try a class. I’m always down to try something new (especially since I’ve recently gotten back into fitness), so I took the noon class along with Monica as my guest.

Jeanene was our instructor, and she kicked our butts, to say the least. Since I had never taken a kickboxing class, I was definitely a little intimidated at first. But everything was actually really straightforward and easy to follow along. What wasn’t easy, though, was how seriously intense the class was. I was a sweaty mess! In a good way.

The 60-minute class included a warm up of calisthenics, followed by a series of different kickboxing routines (with random spurts of running and jumping jacks in between). We ended with some ab work and stretching, for what turned out to be a great full-body workout.

Before I thought that fitness classes weren’t really my thing, but I really loved this one. I never push myself that hard when I’m working out by myself, so I loved the motivating factor of having an instructor and other people in the class alongside me.

After the class we took a tour of the rest of the gym, which was complete with cardio machines, a lifting area, and a boxing ring. They had things I’ve never seen before in a gym, like the club Monica is holding above, massive gorilla kettlebells, and more things you’d expect to only see in a UFC gym. We didn’t work out with any of those things…yet 😉

I was really pleasantly surprised by the UFC Gym. I wasn’t sure if it was going to be full of all UFC-esque guys, but it wasn’t at all. The gym is suitable and great for everyone, as was the class itself. I would definitely go back again.

After the class, Monica and I headed to one of our favorite lunch spots, Westville. We both got turkey chili and split four market veggie sides. Hit. the. spot!

Then we ran some errands and enjoyed a 2(ish) mile walk home, for what turned out to be a perfect Wednesday.

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Have you ever taken a kickboxing class? What’s your favorite fitness class to take?

the best part: a good friend to have.

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If you’re a regular reader of GML, you’ve probably seen countless posts where I include inspirational quotes or messages. I share those things because I know how much they help brighten up my day, and I always want to pass that along to you!

I was recently asked to participate in Folgers The Best Part campaign, and after learning more about their goal of sharing optimism through inspirational stores, I knew I wanted to be a part of it.

The first thing that came to mind was sharing a story about one of my close friends. I’m extremely blessed because I am surrounded by people who are constantly inspiring me and others around them. But one of my friends in particular, whom I’ve known since college, is especially inspiring.

That would be Erica, and she is one of those people that is always a pleasure to be around. She brings joy, optimism, and humor with her wherever she goes. I met Erica toward the end of my college career, which isn’t exactly the most stress-free of times in life. But any time I was around Erica, her easy-going personality put me at ease.

Fast forward to today, where Erica and I both live in New York City. We lived together for almost two years, and now we see each other as often as we can. Erica is one of the hardest workers I know, and she always fights through life’s difficulties. She’s one of those people who always comes out on top without ever once complaining. Her optimism for life and the future is contagious!

Something that is really evident in Erica’s life – and something that she brings out in others – is generosity. She truly cares about the needs of other people, and since June 2012 that has lead to her contribution to Liberty City.

Every month, Erica organizes and attends Neighborly – an outreach in the Lower East Side. On the first Saturday of every month they bring household items to the families and individuals (sponges, soap, laundry detergent, light bulbs, socks) and help them in other practical ways like helping clean apartments, installing AC units during the heat waves, etc.

What is most inspiring about Erica isn’t just that she dedicates her time to this cause, but that she so genuinely cares for each individual she comes in contact with.

When I asked Erica why she was so passionate about helping others, she replied, “Helping others helps me — it keeps my perspective clear. Sometimes it’s easy to feel overwhelmed or frustrated or upset at circumstances in life. But you know what? I am beyond blessed and I have so much to be grateful for. I want to let that spill out into other peoples’ lives and to inspire them to do the same for others. We need each other, and we can forget that at times. I think we need to do a better job of taking care of one another.”

It is truly an honor to call Erica my friend. She is the perfect example of someone who aims to enjoy life to the fullest while also sharing kindness, inspiration, and generosity with others along the way.

The Best Part is an online community that’s dedicated to brightening your day—every day. How? By spreading optimism, one share at a time. The Best Part posts inspirational stories, encouraging quotes, good news and other upbeat items on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram—and encourages fans and followers to share that optimism with their friends. Because when optimism is shared, it grows, making an even more positive impact on our world. Check out what others are sharing on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.

Tell me about someone in your life who inspires you!