being a girl in nyc: post seven.

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This is part of the “being a girl in nyc” series by Jessi and I for our Community Group at Liberty Church. These posts are based solely on our own thoughts, opinions, and experiences.

how to move on. {by jessi}

Moving on, and knowing when to move on. I believe this is one of the hardest parts about dating.

So what happens when you meet Mr.Right, and then he becomes Mr. Awful?

1. KNOW YOU SHOULD MOVE ON

This is the hardest part, in my opinion. Knowing to let go of things.

5 key signs that you know it is time to move on:
1. Your relationship brings more pain than joy. AKA – you are constantly stressed about the relationship, crying to friends, and having to make excuses for being upset.
2. He/She compares you constantly to others. Comparison to strangers, exes, anyone. He/She should be celebrating who you are. If they want to be with someone else, let them.
3. When he/she is causing emotional/verbal/physical abuse. RED ALERT!!!
4. When your fundamental beliefs and values are different. There is no excuse for this. I hear it from people all the time. However, when it comes to making major decisions – these are the things you will both turn to. If you don’t share the same values, it automatically makes things more complicated.
5. When neither of you feel the same way anymore. You have changed, and he/she has as well. If you can’t learn to grow together, and love the changes in one another. MOVE ON.

2. GO SPEND TIME WITH YOUR FRIENDS

Friends are the best cure for a sad heart/break-up. Allow your friends to remind you what makes you so special. Often times, our friends can notice great things about us that we can often dismiss. Allow your friends to help you see you! Also, they will hold you accountable to not call your ex.

3. GET RID OF EVERYTHING THAT REMINDS YOU OF HIM/HER

I find it so strange when people keep notes and pictures from exes. Grieve and leave! You don’t need this stuff. Let it go. If it is something really nice, decide if you have an emotional attachment to it. If you do, then LET IT GO. No matter how nice the Louis Vuitton Bag looks on your arm – your sad crying face with it – is just not a good look.

4. ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE SINGLE

Don’t be a serial dater. It is not fair to you, or the next person you date. Allow yourself to cry and grieve the past relationship. Give yourself time to find your passions again. Have fun enjoying your hobbies, friends, and the unique things that make you, you! Don’t just find your identity in someone new. Figure out who you are, and who you want to be. Then down the road – meet someone that can’t wait to be with that person.

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How do you get over an ex?
Which of these do you agree with / anything to add?

being a girl in nyc: post five.

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This is part of the “being a girl in nyc” series by Jessi and I for our Community Group at Liberty Church. These posts are based solely on our own thoughts, opinions, and experiences.

on passion and chemistry.

Back when I wrote the post on the myths and truths behind Christian dating, I realized how important this particular topic is to me. I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard and seen settle in to relationships because “it’s the right thing to do” or just because “he’s a great Christian man.”

Well, that’s all well and good…but what about being madly, truly, passionately in love with someone? Just because that’s the aspect of love often depicted in fairy tales, that doesn’t mean that it’s not real. And it certainly doesn’t mean that it’s not important.

Here are some of my thoughts on passion and chemistry in a relationship.

Sometimes chemistry occurs instantly between two people. Some Christians see this as being a negative thing because it’s “just too fast” and “can’t be healthy.” I don’t fully agree with that. I firmly believe in and have experienced having an instant connection with someone, and I’ll be honest – it’s pretty great. If you’re being wise and using discernment, timing and speed can become irrelevant. With that being said, though, it really is important to make sure you don’t let that chemistry overshadow other important aspects of being in a relationship, like the things you put on your “must have” and “can’t stand” lists.

Other times, it can take some time to grow. And that’s okay too. I personally think that’s why it’s so important to give people the chance at least 2-3 dates. I’ve been on dates with guys where I was “so-so” at first, but by the third date I realized I did in fact really like him. A lot of times the strongest connection between two people is one that is discovered slowly.

Passion and chemistry – to us – is a “must have.” Whether it’s instant or grows over time, it just HAS to be there. We see passion and chemistry as one of the things that acts as glue in a relationship. When issues come and go, there is the common bond of intimacy on a different level that nothing can tear apart.

…but it’s not the only thing. Like I said before, focusing on having a relationship with only passion (and no communication, trust, etc.) can be the foundation for an extremely unhealthy and unfulfilling relationship.

You might be thinking, “but I’ve heard that passion fades, so why is it that important?”
Honestly, I don’t believe that to be true. Yes – love and passion does change and evolve over time. I’m no expert, but I am surrounded by many couples that have been married for 10, 20, 40 years (including my own parents), and they have proven that it is possible to keep the passion there long-term. In fact, most of those couple are even more passionately in love when they were in their honeymoon phase.

Lastly, I believe that God wants us to experience Eros love with another human being, as depicted in the book of Song of Solomon. The partnership between a man and woman is meant to symbolize the covenant relationship between Christ and His bride (the church), and I believe that that love is supposed to feel stronger than a friendship, and deeper than it being “the right thing.” God is purposeful and intentional, so I believe He created passion and chemistry for a reason.

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What are your thoughts on passion and chemistry within a relationship? Is it a “must have” for you?

being a girl in nyc: post three.

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This is part of the “being a girl in nyc” series by Jessi and I for our Community Group at Liberty Church. These posts are based solely on our own thoughts, opinions, and experiences.

the lists: must haves and can’t stands. {by jessi}

As mentioned in the previous post - last year, Gracie and I both read “Date or Soul Mate?” by Neil Clark Warren. The group as a whole agreed that the “self awareness” section and the “must have, can’t stand” section were the most impactful – and that’s why we’re sharing it now.

The Top 10 List. WHY?

Creating a simple must have/can’t stand checklist can help you to get clear on things you feel you can or can’t live without in a future mate.

The book explains making two top 10 lists - A list of your top 10 “must haves” and a list of your top 10 “can’t stands.” Upon initial reading - I thought this was putting me in a box. I thought instantly this would close every door to actually finding a real person in NYC.

However, the list completely freed me to date - and date better.

I believe that many times we may miss out on a great person because we don’t even know what we are looking for. The list forces you to narrow down to 10 must have’s and 10 can’t stands. You may think “I don’t have a list, and I wouldn’t want to judge someone based on some list.” However, every single person perceives people through a filter of judgment that we have. You could subconsciously be judging if you should go on a 2nd date based on 40+ qualifiers in your head. Narrowing down your list will actually help you to be more open to possibility, and not waste time on someone that you clearly would not match with.

HOW?

The way I explained to my group last time - and the way I created my own list - is a bit different from the group. I suggest creating a very very large list of “must haves” that include any/everything you would possibly look for in a person. Then I would do the same for the “can’t stand” list.

Filter: Now I would begin ranking the list in order of importance.
For example: Someone that loves God was more important to me than someone that has great style.

Make sure to distinguish your needs from your wants, and your preferences from your absolute deal breakers. You may prefer someone who is more than 6 feet tall, but realize you have more important characteristics that you “must have” in a partner such as being a leader or good with finances.

Then do the same with your can’t stand list. These are ABSOLUTE deal breakers. This means, if this person has this quality - then you will not continue dating them.
For example: Without a shadow of a doubt, I couldn’t be with someone that went to strip clubs or didn’t believe in me.

Example of a List: Must Have / Can’t Stand

* Generosity / Self-centered
* Sense of humor / Unmotivated
* Loves God / Thinks he is God
* Good with finance / Infidelity
* Self-awareness / Arrogance
* Family values / Sense of entitlement
* Attractive (I want to kiss him) / Argumentative

Use your list.

For me, this was the hardest part. To be honest, I had a history of dating non-Christians because I just felt hopeless. Once “Loves God” was on my non-negotiable Must Have list, I decided that dating someone that didn’t was just a waste of time for me. I believe that after 3-5 dates - you should have a pretty clear idea if someone is fitting the list or not.

Jessi Says:
I wouldn’t ask you to do something I wouldn’t do myself. After years of dating and long term failed relationships - I decided to really give this a shot.

Did I go on a few dates with people that didn’t fit the list - of course. However, it helped me realize that I shouldn’t keep dating the person, it helped me to have standards for myself and create appropriate boundaries to actually be with the person I would want to spend my life with. After dating Parker for about a month, I decided to check the list. I was ecstatic to see that Parker was every Must Have and NO Cant Stand. Even now being married, he is still everything on the list - and even many things on my really long list.

Gracie Says:
I just want to reiterate what Jessi said about these lists being more freeing than anything. For me, they have really helped me get over the idea of having a “type.” It forced me to decide what is truly important to me to the core, and that actually removed myself and others from boxes.

I also want to agree with the fact just making the list is not enough – you have to use it. While you should always seek guidance from God before all else, if you’re dating someone that is doing things the opposite of what you truly desire, don’t make excuses for them. Remember that you really do deserve and are worthy of the things on that list.

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What is a non-negotiable Must Have for you?