being a girl in nyc: post three.

by 10 Comments

This is part of the “being a girl in nyc” series by Jessi and I for our Community Group at Liberty Church. These posts are based solely on our own thoughts, opinions, and experiences.

the lists: must haves and can’t stands. {by jessi}

As mentioned in the previous post - last year, Gracie and I both read “Date or Soul Mate?” by Neil Clark Warren. The group as a whole agreed that the “self awareness” section and the “must have, can’t stand” section were the most impactful – and that’s why we’re sharing it now.

The Top 10 List. WHY?

Creating a simple must have/can’t stand checklist can help you to get clear on things you feel you can or can’t live without in a future mate.

The book explains making two top 10 lists - A list of your top 10 “must haves” and a list of your top 10 “can’t stands.” Upon initial reading - I thought this was putting me in a box. I thought instantly this would close every door to actually finding a real person in NYC.

However, the list completely freed me to date - and date better.

I believe that many times we may miss out on a great person because we don’t even know what we are looking for. The list forces you to narrow down to 10 must have’s and 10 can’t stands. You may think “I don’t have a list, and I wouldn’t want to judge someone based on some list.” However, every single person perceives people through a filter of judgment that we have. You could subconsciously be judging if you should go on a 2nd date based on 40+ qualifiers in your head. Narrowing down your list will actually help you to be more open to possibility, and not waste time on someone that you clearly would not match with.

HOW?

The way I explained to my group last time - and the way I created my own list - is a bit different from the group. I suggest creating a very very large list of “must haves” that include any/everything you would possibly look for in a person. Then I would do the same for the “can’t stand” list.

Filter: Now I would begin ranking the list in order of importance.
For example: Someone that loves God was more important to me than someone that has great style.

Make sure to distinguish your needs from your wants, and your preferences from your absolute deal breakers. You may prefer someone who is more than 6 feet tall, but realize you have more important characteristics that you “must have” in a partner such as being a leader or good with finances.

Then do the same with your can’t stand list. These are ABSOLUTE deal breakers. This means, if this person has this quality - then you will not continue dating them.
For example: Without a shadow of a doubt, I couldn’t be with someone that went to strip clubs or didn’t believe in me.

Example of a List: Must Have / Can’t Stand

* Generosity / Self-centered
* Sense of humor / Unmotivated
* Loves God / Thinks he is God
* Good with finance / Infidelity
* Self-awareness / Arrogance
* Family values / Sense of entitlement
* Attractive (I want to kiss him) / Argumentative

Use your list.

For me, this was the hardest part. To be honest, I had a history of dating non-Christians because I just felt hopeless. Once “Loves God” was on my non-negotiable Must Have list, I decided that dating someone that didn’t was just a waste of time for me. I believe that after 3-5 dates - you should have a pretty clear idea if someone is fitting the list or not.

Jessi Says:
I wouldn’t ask you to do something I wouldn’t do myself. After years of dating and long term failed relationships - I decided to really give this a shot.

Did I go on a few dates with people that didn’t fit the list - of course. However, it helped me realize that I shouldn’t keep dating the person, it helped me to have standards for myself and create appropriate boundaries to actually be with the person I would want to spend my life with. After dating Parker for about a month, I decided to check the list. I was ecstatic to see that Parker was every Must Have and NO Cant Stand. Even now being married, he is still everything on the list - and even many things on my really long list.

Gracie Says:
I just want to reiterate what Jessi said about these lists being more freeing than anything. For me, they have really helped me get over the idea of having a “type.” It forced me to decide what is truly important to me to the core, and that actually removed myself and others from boxes.

I also want to agree with the fact just making the list is not enough – you have to use it. While you should always seek guidance from God before all else, if you’re dating someone that is doing things the opposite of what you truly desire, don’t make excuses for them. Remember that you really do deserve and are worthy of the things on that list.

**********

What is a non-negotiable Must Have for you?

being a girl in nyc: post two.

by 6 Comments

This is part of the “being a girl in nyc” series by Jessi and I for our Community Group at Liberty Church. These posts are based solely on our own thoughts, opinions, and experiences.

On Self Awareness

Last year, Jessi and I both read “Date or Soul Mate?” by Neil Clark Warren. Despite the ridiculously cheesy title, it was a really helpful and insightful book. What made it different and more helpful than other dating books is that instead of just offering advice and prescriptions for dating, it had you first look inward by asking questions about yourself in order to determine what it is you actually need and want out of a relationship.

The point of being self aware before dating or entering into a relationship (or even in friendships) is that you must first know yourself as much as possible before partnering with another person. According to the book, the most successful relationships are ones where two people working towards personal wholeness come together, rather than two people looking to fulfill some sort of void.

Not to mention that the more you know yourself and are confident in who you are, you’ll more quickly be able to tell if someone would be a good match for you.

I highly suggest reading the book an answering the questions for yourself (including the “must-haves” and “can’t stands” list, which Jessi will address in a future post). But just to give you an idea, here are some of the self-awareness questions that the book suggests answering about yourself.

1) Who is the most important person in your life, and why?
2) What is it like being you? More precisely, how do you feel about yourself – physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?
3) What is the most important thing in the world to you?
4) If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be?
5) What is the role of God in your life?
6) Do you think of yourself as an emotionally healthy person? In what ways are you especially healthy, and in what ways could you use improvement?

For me, answering those questions really changed the way I think about relationships in general. I realized that not only do I want to be confident and secure in who I am, but that I want to be surrounded by people who are of themselves as well. It’s not that we have to have it all figured out, but I think that at least a basic level of self awareness is crucial before being in meaningful relationships with other people.

Do you consider yourself to be self aware? Which of those questions do you think is the most insightful?