being a girl in nyc: post seven.

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This is part of the “being a girl in nyc” series by Jessi and I for our Community Group at Liberty Church. These posts are based solely on our own thoughts, opinions, and experiences.

how to move on. {by jessi}

Moving on, and knowing when to move on. I believe this is one of the hardest parts about dating.

So what happens when you meet Mr.Right, and then he becomes Mr. Awful?

1. KNOW YOU SHOULD MOVE ON

This is the hardest part, in my opinion. Knowing to let go of things.

5 key signs that you know it is time to move on:
1. Your relationship brings more pain than joy. AKA – you are constantly stressed about the relationship, crying to friends, and having to make excuses for being upset.
2. He/She compares you constantly to others. Comparison to strangers, exes, anyone. He/She should be celebrating who you are. If they want to be with someone else, let them.
3. When he/she is causing emotional/verbal/physical abuse. RED ALERT!!!
4. When your fundamental beliefs and values are different. There is no excuse for this. I hear it from people all the time. However, when it comes to making major decisions – these are the things you will both turn to. If you don’t share the same values, it automatically makes things more complicated.
5. When neither of you feel the same way anymore. You have changed, and he/she has as well. If you can’t learn to grow together, and love the changes in one another. MOVE ON.

2. GO SPEND TIME WITH YOUR FRIENDS

Friends are the best cure for a sad heart/break-up. Allow your friends to remind you what makes you so special. Often times, our friends can notice great things about us that we can often dismiss. Allow your friends to help you see you! Also, they will hold you accountable to not call your ex.

3. GET RID OF EVERYTHING THAT REMINDS YOU OF HIM/HER

I find it so strange when people keep notes and pictures from exes. Grieve and leave! You don’t need this stuff. Let it go. If it is something really nice, decide if you have an emotional attachment to it. If you do, then LET IT GO. No matter how nice the Louis Vuitton Bag looks on your arm – your sad crying face with it – is just not a good look.

4. ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE SINGLE

Don’t be a serial dater. It is not fair to you, or the next person you date. Allow yourself to cry and grieve the past relationship. Give yourself time to find your passions again. Have fun enjoying your hobbies, friends, and the unique things that make you, you! Don’t just find your identity in someone new. Figure out who you are, and who you want to be. Then down the road – meet someone that can’t wait to be with that person.

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How do you get over an ex?
Which of these do you agree with / anything to add?

how to make new girl friends.

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If you’re a regular reader of GML, you’ve probably noticed that I LOVE my girl friends. Obsessed with them, actually.

Since doing the being a girl in NYC series – and ever since I moved to New York, really – I’ve gotten a lot of requests for advice on making new friends. I wrote a post about making friends in New York that I think can be applicable to anyone, but here are some more (practical and mindset-shifting) tips that I think are really helpful for how to make new girl friends.

(With some minor tweaks, this is applicable to guys too!)

1) join some sort of group.

This is one of the easiest ways to meet likeminded people who probably want to make friends as well. Some ideas:

* a church / church group
* volunteer somewhere
* fitness classes
* other hobby classes (cooking, sewing, etc.)
* networking events in your industry

2) tag along with someone who has a big social circle.

I’m not saying to be a leech, but chances are that someone who has a large circle of friends will be more than willing to let you in. Be honest with them – say you’re looking to make new friends, and would love to join on the next group hangout.

3) start off with a compliment.

The most awkward part of making a new girl friend is just starting a conversation with them. I’ve found that simply complimenting other girls is the easiest way to break the ice and find a common thing for you to chat about. Not to mention I think girls should make it more of a point to compliment one another, but we’ll save that for another post :)

4) organize a girls’ night.

This is something I’ve learned from my best friend Jessi. From the moment I met her, she was the type of person that always created fun opportunities. Start a group text or email chain with a group of girls, and figure out a date that you can all go out to dinner, or have a night in of baking and pedicures. Most girls love these opportunities, so why not be the one who organizes them?

5) always give the benefit of the doubt.

Don’t be that girl that assumes all other girls are b*tches. Sure, there are some bad seeds out there, but I like to believe that most girls are nice if you give them the chance. For some reason, girls have been wired to automatically not like other girls (what is UP with that?), and I suggest going against that mentality as much as possible.

Practically speaking, giving a girl a compliment (as mentioned above) is actually a great way to gauge whether she’s friend-material or not. For example, if her response to “I love your shoes!” is “I know, right??” then…well, eh.

6) utilize social media.

I’ve met some amazing girls through social media and blogging – including my best friend Monica. Millions of people are finding dates online these days, so why not use the Internet to find friends? If it feels too weird for you, start by “friending” or following someone who you have mutual friends with. And…it’s 2013, so get over thinking it’s weird!

7) you have to take the initiative.

I think that this is what it all boils down to. When it comes to making new friends…it’s a mindset that you just have to have. Stop hoping that someone will notice you sitting all alone and reach out to you. I’ve tried that before, and it rarely works. Sorry I’m not sorry for the tough love, but the truth is that YOU are the one responsible when it comes to making new friends. So put yourself out there, will ya?

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Which of these do you agree with most? Disagree?
Have anything to add?

being a girl in nyc: post six.

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This is part of the “being a girl in nyc” series by Jessi and I for our Community Group at Liberty Church. These posts are based solely on our own thoughts, opinions, and experiences.

on not losing yourself.

A few weeks ago we talked about the importance of being self aware and how it relates to dating/being in a relationship. The key to being self aware, though, is that you continue to do so! I think it’s so unfortunate when people enter into a relationship (or even friendship) and start to change who they truly are in order to please the other person or to make the relationship work.

Losing yourself in a relationship or another person isn’t something that happens overnight. Usually it happens slowly and without you even noticing it. It’s easy to become so caught up in feelings you’re having that you don’t even realize you aren’t being fully your true self.

Here are some questions I think are good to ask yourself to make sure you’re staying to true your identity.

1) Does the person you’re dating support your passions/calling in life?
If not, I don’t think I have to tell you that that’s a huge red flag. Whether he/she “gets” it or not, having someone who supports you and is always on your team is a must-have, if you ask me.

2) Do they get along with your friends (and vice versa)?
Who people “do life” with says a lot about who they are, as it does in your own life. I understand that not everyone is always going to completely hit it off, but feeling like your friends and significant other don’t mesh isn’t something to be ignored.

3) Do you ever feel yourself needing to change (even just downplay) things about yourself?
This is one that you really need to pay attention to because it happens subtly. The moment you feel yourself wanting to make sure to “do this” or “look like this” – really examine why you’re feeling that way (it’s not always a bad thing, but something you should reflect on). This is an area that it’s really good to talk to a friend about. A lot of times our friends can see these things in us better than we can see them ourselves.

4) Is the relationship strengthening or taking away from your relationship with God?
This is probably the number one thing you need to ask yourself. Thankfully, the answer will most likely be very clear to you.

5) If you do find yourself changing, are the changes positive?
Change isn’t always a bad thing! When you get closer to another person, sometimes it’s inevitable. The important thing is to make sure that the changes are for the better. For example - are you being challenged to become a better person and/or grow in your faith? Are you learning how to communicate better? Becoming more spontaneous? etc.

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Have you ever lost yourself in a relationship? Which of these questions can you relate to the most?