This is part of the “being a girl in nyc” series by Jessi and I for our Community Group at Liberty Church. These posts are based solely on our own thoughts, opinions, and experiences.
friendship with the opposite sex. {by jessi}
I had this posted here in full (as you can see in the comments), but wanted to encourage the conversation to take place on Jessi’s end so she can best manage your responses, as this is quite the hot topic!
Jump on over to Modern Wonderland to read “friendship with the opposite sex”
Amen! I am with you 100% here girl.
Avery says
This is so correct, Gracie. It is great to have lots of different friends, but so many women who are “guy’s girls” or “don’t get along with other women” are only in that position because of their own attitudes or issues with female friends. I do love to hear about how adult women make new friends — could you share some insights there in a new post?
Hey Avery! LOVE that suggestion for sharing how to make new friends - just added it to my “to post” list
Ali says
I had to comment because I disagree with what you are saying which is, correct me if I am wrong, that men and women can be friends but ultimately your best friend should be of the same sex because too many problems can arise when they are of a different sex. As you said in this post, being best friends with a man has not worked in the past and is not something you think will work in the future. This does not mean it is not possible and will always create problems for everyone (or even you in the future), it means it has for you (and some women on Pinterest) and maybe it is the same for others but surely not everyone.
This idea that men are one thing and women are another, that they are in some way opposite and so intrinsically different is so limiting. I think you are defining male and female in some very narrow terms. One’s sex is not the same as the gender one identifies with and even from there gender is on a huge spectrum with very few people being wholly one. I think we as a society (and you and I as 20 somethings in NYC!) should try to break down these gender stereotypes that you are only one thing. People are people and being able to appreciate someone for who they are and have them in your life as a friend or best friend regardless of their sex or gender is something that I think is very important. If a person has qualities you admire, is someone you get along with and enjoy spending time with why shouldn’t they be your best friend? Because of their sex? Because your future significant other might be jealous? I don’t find those to be compelling or significant enough reasons for me to not be best friends with someone.
Sorry if this was too strong or passionate but I felt like there had to be some counter to your argument. I would love to hear what you or anyone else thinks about it! Thanks for opening the conversation.
Hi Ali,
I saw this and wanted to reply since I initially wrote the post for this series. I hope that’s okay!
You are correct in what you believe I am trying to say - That men and women can be friends but ultimately your best friend should be the same sex. I believe that it is possible for men and women to be best friends, but I do not suggest it.
I am sorry that you disagree that women and men are intrinsically different, and that seems limiting. However, I strongly believe that we are. Gracie may have her own opinions, and in this reply I can only share my own. I do STRONGLY believe that women and men were created intrinsically different.
The word intrinsic by definition is: 1. Of or relating to the essential nature of a thing; inherent.
2. Anatomy Situated within or belonging solely to the organ or body part on which it acts. Used of certain nerves and muscles.
Not only physically and hormonally are women and men so intrinsically different, but I believe both parties are truly equipped to be different for many reasons.
I also have to disagree that very few people are wholly one sex. I know there are many opinions on this - and I don’t want to get into a battle of gay + lesbian and transgender rights in the comment section of a lifestyle blog. I think that is another topic for another day. Being a Christian I can only find a male and a female - and zero accounts for a person not wholly being of one sex. The biblical view is that God’s intent for every male is to grow into masculinity, and for every female to grow into femininity.
Moving on…I disagree that as a society we need to be breaking down these gender stereotypes. Do I have gay/lesbian and transgender friends - yes. Do I love them and hang out with them and know how much God loves them - absolutely.
However, I disagree with your statement “people are people” - if our goal as a society is to just be “people” than I don’t know if anything I will say - you will agree with. I believe as a society we should push each other towards wholeness. Towards knowing that we are LOVED by God and that Jesus died for us as sinners. Do we remain that way, I hope not. I hope that everyone is on a journey towards knowing their identity in God, in seeking and obtaining freedom, and to live out the purpose God has for them.
Sorry if I am sounding really religious. That is not and will never be my intention. I accept and love every person despite their circumstances.
In regards to the friendships with the opposite sex - I think this boils down to a boundary issue. Obviously you, and anyone else reading this blog can do whatever they want. Same goes for previous and future posts in this series. These are merely suggestions.
I have spoken to many many people where these boundary lines with the opposite sex were crossed emotionally. People have gotten hurt and it made dating more difficult. This post is merely a suggestion to helping people in their dating life.
Gracie and I may say in a post “You can meet a great person to date in a coffee shop.” Someone that reads that may not be compelled to visit a coffee shop, because let’s say - they don’t like coffee. It is merely a suggestion and a guide to people.
I myself have had several guy best friends, and remained single. It was suggested to me to draw those lines and to stop going to men to process things emotionally. I realized I had to confront issues with why I couldn’t trust girls. Why I needed a guy as a best friend, etc. This helped my dating life tremendously as well as helped me find some amazing girl best friends.
Few questions for you - you don’t have to answer but think about it:
1) Are you married? If so, how does your significant other feel about how you are with your guy best friend.
2) Are there girls in your past that you need to forgive that have made it hard to create a deeper friendship?
If you’d like to discuss more - feel free to email - info@freelybe.org
xx
Ali says
Thanks for the quick reply! I think the difference between our views seems to lie on our different ideas about gender. Like I said I really believe gender is on a spectrum and where one falls on that spectrum doesn’t always correspond with ones physical sex. It sounds like you do not believe that so I guess this would be a circular conversation should I go on any further haha.
I thought your questions were really interesting and I’m happy to answer them.
1. I am not married and I don’t have a male best friend. It sounds like you assumed that based on my comment but I don’t but wouldn’t limit myself to a best friend by sex or gender should I meet someone great who is best friend material!
2. I’ve never really had any type of situation with a friend (male or female) that makes it difficult to open up or trust. All my of best friends are drama-free (phew!) I would of course be totally open to male best friend and would expect my significant other to respect that.
Maybe mycomment seemed like I was sticking up for opposite sex friendships because my best friend was a man but that’s not the case. Mostly I was hoping to bring up reducing gender/sex stereotypes. I’m a social work graduate student so breaking down stereotypes is a big topic of conversation. Don’t want to take up the whole comment section thoug especially since that’s not something you believe in in this particular instance and it’s your blog post!
Hi Ali!
Thanks so much for this comment. I let Jessi know about it too because she wrote the post and I’m sure would love to respond as well.
I can see where you’re coming from. One of the things that makes discussing relationships difficult is that not all situations are going to be the same. Every relationship is going to be different based on a handful of different circumstances. For example, I *have* seen successful friendships between men and women, but I don’t think the point Jessi was trying to make was whether or not they could exist or not. Rather, the problems and issues she has seen them result in, as well as the underlying issues of when girls are unable to cultivate friendships with other girls.
With that being said, I personally disagree with your view of men and women and their differences. While I absolutely agree that men and women are equal in every sense of the word, I do believe that we are different. Be it nature or nurture - men and women have differences, and I don’t think that that’s a bad thing. In fact, I think it’s something to be celebrated!
Like I said, I’m sure you’ll get a response from Jessi too. Glad to have the conversation going as well!
I think this post promotes some very antiquated, very biased, very one sided views about gender roles. I’m a bit disappointed as I really love this blog! Please consider your privilege and biases before posting something publicly.
Coming from someone who’s best friend is a man btw.
And I hope having a male best friend doesn’t imply that I have deep issues in my relationships with females……
This was a great article and I am sad to see you are getting so much heat for it.
I like how you distinguished one of the boundaries in guy friendships as “emotional processing”. As a single girl, I can easily use guy friends to fulfill emotional needs that are meant for a committed relationship. Yes, I have tons of amazing girlfriends to turn to, but it is a temptation to process with guys specifically when I am feeling that void of having a boyfriend. That being said, I believe we really need to evaluate our hearts as women. Are we manipulating men in our life so we can feel better about our singleness? Are we being true “friends” to the guys in our lives and seeking to protect their hearts and our own? There is much more to this discussion than simply can we or can we not have guy “best friends”. I truly believe it is a matter of the heart.
Thanks for starting this conversation. It is one that needs to be had
Thanks for this comment, Jenelle! You make some really good points, and I agree that at the end of the day it’s a matter of the heart.
I completely agree with both Jessi’s original point as well as Jenelle’s comment above regarding inadvertently “using” guy friendships to fill a void. I’ve always found it easier to forge casual friendships with guys, because I feel like there’s less superficial cattiness, but in the past couple of years I’ve realized that those friendships aren’t as strong or important as the “best friend” relationships I have with women. Whenever I’ve gotten super close to a guy, it’s because of extenuating circumstances- he likes me, I like him, I like his friend, etc, which isn’t fair to either of us and never ends well. The fact that those male friendships are relatively short-lived is probably a testament to their tenuousness in the first place.
HOWEVER, I do think that women and men can be great friends as long as certain boundaries are set. I have a great group of guy friends that I always have a ton of fun with, but at the end of the day I turn to my female friends for the really nitty-gritty stuff.
Love these kinds of posts!
Such good points, G! thanks for the comment