Let’s cut to the single-girl-talking-about-relationships chase…
I HATE the term “settling down.”
In fact, I’d even argue it’s one of the reasons that dating and relationships are so difficult these days. I mean, the word “settle” in itself is probably the most pessimistic word in the dictionary….
Yeah. Not my favorite word.
If you ask me, the connotation behind the term “settling down” looks a little bit like this:
“I guess it’s time to be in a complacent relationship because that’s what you do when you’re [insert age-of-choice here]. Sure, we’ll have ‘fun’ together, but it won’t be nearly as exciting as when I was single/independent. I just have to accept that the best times in life are over.”
Okay, so maybe no one actually thinks that when using SD. But - let’s be real here - even I catch myself agreeing with this mindset way more than I’d like to. Thanks a lot, media and ever-evolving society of ours…
Here’s the thing. I can’t help but think that using a term like SD is a self-fulfilling prophesy – AKA one of the reasons so many couples get married and then suddenly have a white picket fence and become boring and fat together (someone had to say it…sorry I’m not sorry). Even though there’s nothing wrong with things changing in life, why is there this underlying assumption that relationships are eventually going to get boring and…vanilla?
Maybe I’m just being overly-passionate, but I think that terms like SD take away from what monogamy and marriage is supposed to be, which – to me – is the pinnacle of any emotional and physical relationship. Being in a healthy committed relationship should only lend to each person being the best version of themselves and enjoying a full life more than ever. And I know I’m not crazy in saying that because I do know so many amazing couples that are the best, most fun, most hot versions of themselves because they’re doing life and big things together…and refusing to “settle down” for anything less.
So, moral of the story is – no matter how common it may be – let’s avoid the term AND the reality of “settling down” from now on, shall we?
Thoughts on this??
I'm the girl, Gracie Gordon. Here at GML you can follow my journey of dreaming, working, eating, loving, and blogging my way through life in NYC.
Thank-you! I’m so sick of people thinking that couples are less exciting or that being in a couple means giving up something. I’m in a relationship. Sure, I gave up the thrill of the hunt at bars, but I gained one of the most meaningful and exciting connections I’ve ever had. (And I’ve gained someone who always laughs at my jokes.)
I’m not settling down. Heck, I won the jackpot!
So thank-you so freaking much for saying this.
I think couples who avoid the pressure of other relationships end up ultimately having the best relationship. I can’t help but think about Bethenny Frankel-she was convinced that something was wrong with her because she didn’t feel right in her relationships. As she hit her 30s, she felt like she should have been married by then. Now she’s 41 and seems to be in the happiest relationship of her life. Instead of “settling down” when she thought she should, she kept seeking happiness.
I don’t understand the pressure to fit into a certain mold, to simply “find a man” for the sake of it (isn’t part of the journey the excitement of fate pairing you up with an ideal match?), getting married and trying to have a “wedding different than anyone has ever seen before” (but is the same as every wedding anyone has ever seen before), and what I find most confusing is the pressure being set (usually) by the female to get the male to fit her ideal mold of a relationship. It’s so unauthentic and unromantic.
Settling down is synonymous with “settling”, in my opinion.
Love this post! Sometimes I think I’m the only person who feels this way.. at least I am not alone
I completely understand AND agree with you here, G.
it reminds me of the over-quoted SATC quote (which I shamelessly love, might I add)
“maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with.”
I’d prefer to run free and find someone to do it alongside me.
I really needed to read this post this morning- I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 years and now that I’ve graduated college, I’ve been getting so much pressure from friends and family to “settle down.” But I’m just not there yet- and this post was a great read to remind myself that even when it all does happen that it doesn’t have to be boring. Thanks!
go on, get it girl.
Love!!
You can totally have that white picket fence and not get fat and be in a loving relationship without “settling down” [at least I hope so]! I love your bold face statement, “Being in a healthy committed relationship should only lend to each person being the best version of themselves and enjoying a full life more than ever.”
I think you’re right about this. I mean, you can’t really be happy in a relationship if you’re not happy with yourself. And I certainly don’t think you can be happy with yourself if you make yourself “settle down”, or act in a way you feel you ought to act rather than how you want to. I feel like making a commitment to a person (to be monogamous, etc) as a sign of respect doesn’t mean you have to sit at home and wait on them. Rather, you embark on an exciting journey together. And to handle this journey, you definitely can’t settle down
I love your relationship posts- I totally agree! I think that the term settling down comes off negatively and suggests that there is a need to stop doing what you’re doing. But if that’s the case then I’m not interested in a relationship. I live a very full happy life and while I would love to bring a boyfriend into that mix, I wouldn’t give up the rest of it just to have one, ya know?
Couldn’t agree with you more. I never want to settle- I want to wake up every morning knowing that I will be pushed to be the best version of me and I want someone next to me who will go on adventures alongside me. People think I’m in a dream world but I think it should be everyone’s reality.
x
love this Gracie! And I love how this can apply to so many things outside of a relationship..you should never settle for less than you deserve or you’ll just end up feeling down on yourself. This really helped change my attitude today, thanks girl!
Love this! I’m 24, but I was 23 on my wedding day. I know a lot of people view getting married *so early* like you described “settling down.” But getting married is the best thing I’ve ever done! With my husband, we’ve back packed through Europe, vacationed, we ran our first half marathon, we have date nights (more often than “dating” couples do) and we have FUN every day. That’s what love SHOULD be - I feel so so so badly for people that settle!
Totally agree with this! I hate the term “settling down”. Why do I have to settle? For my I envision having 5 screaming kids, being 40 pounds overweight and being in a loveless marriage as “settling down”. Just because I get married doesn’t mean I have to stop being hot!
I couldn’t have said it better myself. I’ve NEVER been attracted to the idea of settling down in a relationship. And I can’t stand the idea of “settling” in any situation. We only live once, why would I ever want to spend that time in a mediocre situation? I want to have fun and do what I’m passionate about every. single. day. And I want the freedom to do that, no matter how crazy it might be! <3
Amazing post.
I think it is unfortunate what people think committed relationships and marriage are. I’m also pretty tired of single people trying to make themselves feel better about their lonely relationship status by making fun of other people who are committed. It’s exhausting. I think we are only just living until we have found that perfect, amazing, soulmate who compliments your life. I have settled down, but I certainly did not settle. I stopped getting piss drunk and having make out sessions and started enjoying walks on the beach with my man and our dog. We’ve settled perfectly in to each others hearts. THAT is what settling down really means.
I wasn’t sure I totally agreed at first but I read your post again and I truly do.
I’m in a new relationship with my best friend (it took he and I a while to get up the courage to make a move!) and I certainly don’t want us to become a boring couple when and if we get married. I feel like we bring out a lot of great qualities in each other and are always adding to our list of adventures we want to take with one another. So, I agree with you. Just because we’re in a stable, wonderful relationship doesn’t mean that it ever has to get boring. Really the best is yet to come! And if that isn’t the case, then no one should “settle” or “settle down” with that particular partner. Wait for the one who - as Alyssa quoted from SATC - will run free with you.
I think i’ve struggled a long time with this part of me that seems to not want to “settle” for things like being in a relationship just because. So many people my age seem to do that. Heck they settle for less than a relationship with someone for reasons that I can’t even begin to understand! And sometimes I think I’m in the wrong for just waiting to find that right person to be in a relationship with, but if I ever found myself “settling” for anything less than what I know I deserve, it would be a very sad, sad day!
The one thing that scares me: settling. In all seriousness, I have loved many of my relationships, but a couple of them HAVE involved settling, regardless of how young I was at the time. What it comes down to is knowing there is someone who you love and care about, who loves and cares about you. If you choose someone who sees you as anything less than that — doesn’t love every (okay, ALMOST every) second with you — you’re settling. It needs to breed joy and love, just like a best friend from high school. Always filling each other up, never taking.
I liked what you said too! I think you can be the best version of yourself in a realtionship! I problem I have with people and the term “not settling” is this: some women think that they are better than just about every man out there- but there is going to be some magical man who is going to be “good enough”- while they bipass amazing men and complain about being single well into their 30′s. I hate THIS use of the term “not settling”. Please, find yourself, and stop using the excuse that your not “settling” if your this woman- this kind of woman is saying that she is blinded by ego. Be the best person you can be, then you’ll never be settling.
Get back to me when you’re 30.
will do
I think this post is a little silly. You’re treating “settling down” as if one person is compromising and “calming down” for the other. That’s not what settling down is - settling down happens when two people have been together long enough that, while looking in the same direction, they want new things. Did I love my wild younger nights out in DC? of course I did. Do I miss them? No. I love spending my weekends driving through the north carolina countryside with my partner, going to vineyards and having dinner parties with my friends. It’s not a boring life, it’s a different life. I think you’ll understand it in a few years
Hey Nikki! Your idea of what “settling down” is is actually the same as mine. I guess what I was pointing out is that getting to that stage of a relationship should be a natural thing that happens between two people - not them getting to the point where they feel like they “have” to retire their old ways and move on to the next stage of life (which, like I said - should just happen naturally when people fall in love - not at any specific time/age).
p.s. “spending my weekends driving through the north carolina countryside with my partner, going to vineyards and having dinner parties with my friends…” < — sounds just about perfect
Thanks for the comment! Enjoy your weekend
- Gracie
Gah, I totally agree. That is what held me back from relationships for so long. But now that I’ve found someone who lets me be me and live the life I want with him, it’s so invigorating. If that ever changes, I’d leave, because I’ll never settle down either.
GRACIE YOU TOOK THE WORDS RIGHT OUT OF MY MOUTH.
and said them better.