While I often discuss my singledom, I don’t think I’ve ever made mention of my previous relationship. Yes, my one previous relationship (I’m picky, what can I say?).
For obvious reasons I’m not going to go into too much detail about the relationship itself. But, considering the fact that break ups are pretty much the armpit of life, I figured I should share some of the ways I got through it so that maybe you can benefit from them.
1. Give it time….and then another year.
You know what I’m about to say, don’t you? Time really does heal all wounds. There is really no way to describe a break-up (whether you initiated it or not) unless you’ve been through it. It probably will feel like the end of the world, but believe me when I say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I think what I’m trying to say can be summed up in the quote, “everything will work out in the end. If it doesn’t, it isn’t the end.”
2. realize that you don’t have to hate your ex.
A lot of relationships end badly, but not all of them. I was one of the lucky(?) few who holds pretty much no ill-will towards my ex. Sure, there are things that I wish didn’t happen or were handled differently, but all in all, I can look back at the relationship and have good memories. Just because someone isn’t in your life anymore, it doesn’t mean you can’t still care for them as a person.
3. …but it’s okay if you do.
…for a little while, at least. Like I said, I was one of the “lucky” ones with my break up. But I’ve also seen far too many girls (and guys) go through a break up where someone did horrible things to them, yet they refuse to admit that that person did a single thing wrong. If you were wronged – give yourself permission to be angry about it! While I do think that forgiveness is a non-negotiable in life, it’s also important to realize that anger isn’t always a bad thing. Admit it, feel it, and scream it from the rooftops if you have to…but then get on with your life.
4. go to church.
Sure, getting your eagle on at the club might get your mind off of him/her for the time being, but what about when you go home? Chances are you’re going to feel worse than you did before. For me, going to church and surrounding myself with uplifting people and a message that is so much greater than my then-circumstances…that was the only thing that provided true, lasting comfort.
5. talk to someone who has been there.
To put it simply, my own mom has been through the break up of all break ups. Talking to her and simply seeing how great things turned out for her proved to me that life does in fact go on. And, it can still be quite extraordinary without that particular person.
6. delete his/her number. stat.
I know what you’re thinking - “but what if I need to ask him a question that only he’d know the answer to?” or “what if I’m in an emergency and he’s the only one who will rescue me?!” Um…listen to yourself. You might think that you have the willpower to not call or text him, but eventually – you will. And you’ll regret it. Think of it this way – if he or she doesn’t miss you enough to call you yet, why in the world should you call them??
7. be careful where you drown your sorrows.
A slice of pie and glass of wine? Fine.
A gallon of Hagen Daaz and handle of tequila? Not so much.
8. stalketh not.
This is a tough one, friends. Thanks to modern technology (i.e. Facebook), going through a break up is more difficult than ever. Nearly impossible, actually. Take it from someone who knows – keeping track of someone on Facebook is essentially remaining part of the relationship…but just a ridiculously sucky and painful version of it.
9. move.
Easier said than done, I know. And I’m not exactly prescribing that you “run away” from your problems. But, if you were already thinking about moving…now would be a good time to follow through with it.
10. eventually you have to think about the relationship.
While numbing yourself to past experiences can be a normal coping mechanism, I think that there should also come a time where you can look back and reflect on the relationship or order to truly get past it. To me, it’s much healthier to be aware of the positive and/or negative outcomes of a past relationship rather than a) deny it ever happened or b) pretend it was worse than it actually was.
This might mean that you’ll cry. It might mean that you’ll get that sick feeling in your stomach again. It might mean you have to listen to the music that you’ve avoided for so long. But that’s okay. It needs to happen, and you’ll be more likely to move on with your life because of it.
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I’ll leave you with the (unofficial? yet humorous) video for Rilo Kiley’s song, “Breakin’ Up.”
Have you been through a break up? What are some of your “moving on” tips?
Stalketh Not-close to impossible, but definitely the most important! It is so easy to drive yourself crazy!
Clean breaks are the only way to go! Lingering and ‘kind of keeping in touch’ (including fb stalking) only drags the healing process off! In the words of the great Mariah, “gotta shake shake you off” haha
“Lingering and ‘kind of keeping in touch’…only drags the healing process off!” It reeeeeally does. In my case, a few years of lingering 😕 In my defense, I really hoped/thought that it would work out in the end.
I’m sooo picky, too! I think that’s a good thing 😉 Luckily, I haven’t been through a break-up yet, I’m dreading the day I do!
Oh & P.S. I don’t have a twitter! I feel so lame so I’m making one tonight. I’ll probably post it up sometime tonight
I was guilty of Facebook stalking my ex and *I* was the one to break up with him because I thought he didn’t deserve to be happy. Then I kept his number and texted him awful mean messages cursing any new relationship he was in. I finally deleted the number, and then through him moving, he got a new number, and finally called me to agree to disagree & to promise to leave things alone for good. It took several months, but Facebook is evil when it comes to moving on. Ha.
This is a great post, Gracie. I would say I most agree with your advice of going to church (although I think this is a good idea in any circumstance) and NOT communicating with your ex after the break up. I’ve know so many girls who try to “party off” the pain and it doesn’t work. Or they text and still hang out saying they’re just trying to be friends. But these things just prolong the healing process and make it more painful.
Thankfully I’m married now so I don’t have to worry about any more break ups (seriously, thank God). But trust me I’ve been there an breaking up “well” really is hard to do.
btw, the best part of the music video was around 1:50 when they did the dance break. HILARIOUS.
haha yes, the dance break is pretty amazing. I LOLed at it 😛
I agree, although I’d have to add getting out in the world as another step. It’s really easy to stay in and wallow, which is fine for awhile, but it makes it so much easier to get over an ex when you have plenty of fun things to look forward to with friends.
Also, I can’t tell you how much Anthea Paul’s Girlosophy Break-up Survival Kit and Love Survival Kit have helped me…
You know my story (I think I told you about it, right? Pretty sure.), and all I can say is that all of this is SO TRUE. I hope I never have to go through that kind of heartbreak again, but if I do, I know that I’m wise enough not to make the same mistakes again. Like becoming a PRO FB stalker who finds pictures of the new GF to critique with my best friends. Yeah, creeper status.
I love this post! Although my boyfriend and I are still together, each one of these points is SO TRUE!
Thanks for sharing all this Gracie!
#6 - yes. Absolutely yes. In my case, I had to completely cut off all contact in order to move on: facebook, msn, phone, etc. It was hard but, out of sight, out of mind.
Unfortunately we lived in the same university residence complex at the time so I still bumped into him from time to time, but when I finished school and moved away (#9), I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders - I no longer had to walk around in fear in my own “home” (without going into details, it was a really really bad breakup that I took incredibly hard).
BUT!! Now, I am so much stronger and more mature and because of it, have met my current boyfriend who is an absolute sweetheart and who is actually honest with me and that I can actually trust. : )
“I no longer had to walk around in fear in my own “home” <— I can totally relate to that. I’d see our mutual friends just about *everywhere*…
This is great.
Church - I thought I was the only one who did that!! I see a lot of my friends going out and partying after breakups. I got involved in my church (specifically, working in the middle/high school ministry) and it’s been one of the best experiences of my life so far! I’ve also made 2 AMAZING friends in the youth pastor and his wife. Hearing their love story gives me extra resolve to hold out for God’s best when it comes to my future husband!
Deleting the phone number - Yes, yes, and yes. I thought I would have the willpower not to text him back…and I didn’t.
Stalketh not - HA! Easier said than done. I deleted him from my friends list, but he had an open account, so I found myself still wandering over to his page to see what he was up to. I had to block him completely in order to stop myself. He can’t see my page, and I can’t see his. The only way I’ll be able to see his page is if I un-block him, but then I can’t re-block him for 48 hours (according to FB). Whenever I get tempted, I think, “Ok, is the temptation to unblock and FB stalk his page worth the risk of him being able to contact me for 2 days?” It never is.
sheesh, all that to block/unblock/yadda yadda someone on Facebook?! hahaha
Stay strong, sweet girl! xo
Such a great post Gracie!!! The Husband and I actually went through a break up when I was in college. We were broken up for about 15 months, and during that time we both had other serious relationships. I think it was harder for him than it was for me because I was the one who initiated it, but still difficult for me nonetheless. As you can see, it worked out for us!
WOW - that must’ve been crazy hard! I still avoid even thinking about my ex being in another relationship (although, I’m sure it’d be easier if I was in a new one too). But I’m glad things worked out so well for you two in the end!
I went through a really, really tough break up after ending it with my boyfriend of 5 years. It wasn’t so tough emotionally, but more annoying cause he wouldn’t leave me alone (HE was the emotional wreck)…and it was ridiculously annoying. So yes, it didn’t end well and I’m not sure how we would react to each other if we saw each other today, but it’s better that we haven’t spoken in over a year as he was nothing but drama. Good riddance.
My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 6 years and we broke up last year. Honestly, I would have to say I am not completly over it yet, but time does heal all wounds! I am only now finally discovering all the good things that came out of the relationship instead of focusing on the bad aspects. It defintly helps moving on become easier.
Everything happens for a reason
mmmmmm great advice! i totally believe in the get rid of all contact with him method! after a long relationship friendship is just night in the stars (well atleast in my opinion) so there’s no point in staying in contact. if you (not you) want to be ‘friends’ with your ex it’s probably because you’re (not you haha) are not over them yet! atleast thats how it wasssss for me!
um you’re totally accusing me of wanting to be friends with my ex and not being over him, aren’t you??? 😉
The first thing I did after a break-up 2 years ago was remove any and all items that reminded me of him. I also thought of new hobbies to start. I never did figure out how to knit… but the hours spent watching YouTube videos trying to teach myself sure kept me occupied.
Another helpful tip for those ex’s that keep calling- set their ringtone to silent. That way you won’t even realize it when they call.
This post came at a great time…I just ended things with my boyfriend of almost 3 years! Its been extremely tough, but I truly think it was the right decision. Now I just need to work on moving on and not let myself have too many “What if..” moments! I can honestly say that it hurt me to be the person that did the breaking up just as much as it hurts to be broken up with! But life goes on, right?!
I completely agree - initiating the break up can be just as difficult (sometimes even more difficult depending on one’s personality/the specific situation). Sending love your way!!
I love this post….my comment is a lot like Brittany’s but…I just ended a 3 year relationship with my boyfriend a week and a half ago. It’s hard, sad, tough, draining! to go through, but in the end, it’s what is best for both of us…even if we don’t see that yet.
I’m glad there’s lots of others that have gone through the same thing. It’s always nice that you can relate to others.
Stay strong, Kim! I was the initiator too (for the most part), so I can relate to how tough it is. *hugs!*
You’re so wise
I agree with all you have said. Might feel like heroin withdrawal for a while (uh… at least from what I’ve heard lol) but so incredibly worth it in the end. Bleh! I’ve only had one relationship too. After that first serious breakup it’s like… until I find “The One,” NO THANKS!
When I broke up with my boyfriend when I went to college, I felt like the biggest a-hole in the world. It made me sad that he was so upset, but I met someone else (and now we’re getting married!) so I guess my advice would just be “follow your gut” as cliche as it sounds. 9 times out of 10, it will lead you to the right place
In the same way you need to delete their phone number, you should de-friend them on facebook. Otherwise the constant profile checking is way too easy!!
And it might seem immature, but avoid them. Don’t go to parties when you know they’ll be there. It just makes things harder.
Great post! Breaking up does feel like the end of the world, and yet somehow we fight through. It’s hard not to just give up though…one of the hardest things for me to get some clients to believe!
Oh- and I refer to stalking the exs of current BFs, or your own ex-BF, as “emotional cutting”…it’s a little bit what it is!
Breaking up contact (such as facebook, number, and any kind of seeing each other) is definitely necessary for me- but something I didn’t follow in my one “big” breakup.
I love love love this post. Heart break such a painful experience and I think faith is huge in dealing with it (or any pain for that matter). A few weeks ago in my theology class we were talking about God’s existence and if He is a kind and loving why He allows us to suffer to which my professor said “out of suffering comes some good.” It is SO true, when I think about how much stronger and ambitious I became after a period of devastation somehow it all makes sense.
This post broke my heart only because I need to take a lot of your advice! Reading your tips really is helping. Thanks!
First of all, the music video made me want to have a choreographed dance party with my friends.
Second, “get your eagle on at the club” made me laugh out loud in the middle of class and get a slew of disgruntled looks. What can I say, my blogs get me through physics
hahahah YES! that’s an ongoing joke between my friends and I, so I’m glad it humored you 😛
Good advice. Breaking up can be a terrible experience that breaks a person or a bittersweet experience that teaches someone vital lessons. Handling it healthily (whether you initiated it or he did) helps it be an opportunity for learning rather than sorrow.
I love this post! Also, in the words of Carrie Bradshaw…”No matter who broke your heart or how long it takes to heal, you’ll never get through it without your friends.”
Ha, I love the “stalketh not”. It is SO hard not to check up on them on fb and stuff, but it really is for the best.
I think I was always the heart breaker in high school, so when I got to college, I was bound to have my heart broken. As cliche as it sounds, it was such a great learning experience for me. I cried my way through “The Notebook”, drowned my sorrows in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s, and learned that it would take time to get over. I also read “He’s Just Not that Into You” and “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken”. Those two books actually helped me through that time, and I passed them onto my friend when she had her heart broken. The self-help section of Barnes & Noble can be a brokenhearted girl’s friend :).
I LOVE both of those books!!! So much great common sense about relationships/break ups. And I still tend to live by the “He’s Just Not That Into You” mantra…!
can relate to this 100% right now.. break ups SUCK. its so hard when you know its Gods will for yall to break up tho- and i had to be obedient to that and now God is holding my hand and my heart and im on adventure while being 100% dependent on Him! ITS HARD but beautiful cause He is awesome!
my husband was my only boyfriend ever. but i just went through a bad friend breakup, and so many of these are true. and, oddly, she carried out many of your “tasks” for me - defriending on facebook, for example. and i SO wish i could move or at least cut ties, since we still have mutual friends. which is bad news bears.
i’ve also helped friends through tough times… mainly with spoonfuls of cookie dough and watching the movie fight club (it involves much less crying). <3
also… i want to send this link to my best (guy) friend. but he's a guy, so i'm not quite sure he'd take it very well. grin.
you are right on, girl. i have been through 3 breakups and i can attest to your insights being valuable for others to keep in mind. i think for me, the greatest gift i gained from my breakups is that i am so glad that Jesus stood by me and was faithful to heal me and help me move forward. i wasn’t patient enough to wait on the man He is preparing me for/for me, and so i settled for less than His best. i do not recommend this trial and error route!
i know for myself, a lot of the grief i had suppressed from my childhood came out as a grieved the breakdown of one relationship in particular. it was cleansing and God filled me up with His peace like I have never known. much love to you, hun!
I’ve had a big break up or two in my day — and I totally agree that really, there aren’t generally a lot of reasons to stay friends. Friendly? Yes. I think it’s important to keep a level of peace for the occasionally group gathering and awkward run-in. But friendships with exes just get to be totally troublesome once a new man is on the horizon!
Love this. SO completely true. I had a long-term relationship last year that lasted until about a year ago, and when I realized it was the day of “the” breakup, it hardly fazed me, but then I began to think about the *good* things I learned from the relationship, and finally realizing that I have let go. It’s a beautiful feeling!
Rilo Kiley was my favorite band when I was in high school…so like a million years ago it seems, but still love em.
I like this post so much because it is true. You just have to go through the motions and eventually everything will be okay again!
and you aren’t picky you are just being selective and not wasting time!
These are such great tips!
I totally agree with #8. As hard as it is to totally cut ties, including siblings/friends it is for the best.
My piece of advice is find your happy place…whether that means spending free time with friends, volunteering, or watching episode after episode of friends (not that i would know about THAT or anything)…heh…. i feel like getting away from your thoughts, even for just a few hours, can do wonders!
I agree with your post…. everything will work out BETTER!!!
yes yes yes. my boyfriend of 4 months broke up with me, saying he was unhappy..and he said the classic lines: it’s not you, it’s me..you’re awesome..and then the REAL kicker: i know this sounds tacky, but i want to still be friends, because i think you’re amazing.
wtf.
suffice it to say i was REALLY good and deleted him from my phone (sadly, he texted me for days afterward..and just recently texted me a couple weeks ago) and i should have defriended him immediately, but i diddn’t..but when i did, i felt so much better- i wasn’t checking up on him ever, but it was good to prevent him from looking..because i’m sure he did. it’s hard when he texts out of the blue, because i don’t know if i should answer- i’m quite over him, and AM MOVING from here (we see each other sometimes where i work)..but iguess i don’t want to give him ideas. since i’m sure he was going for a booty call.
love this advice- wish i read 6 months back when he dumped me!
Tra - it happens to the best of us!! The only reason I give that advice because I learned it the hard way too. My past relationship was dragged out for months longer than it should have (mostly because we both had such a desire for it to work, but deep down I think we both knew it wouldn’t). But you’re on the right track…stay strong!!! xoxo
Great post!
I had my first break up and it was a long distance like acrosss the world distance, that helped me to move on faster, but it hurt, because of the lies or well like he saíd: “I didn´t lie I just think it wasn’t worth it to tell u that”, ok omission is the same thing, right?.
However, break ups are part of life, and at the end you learned a valuable lesson and makes you a stronger person.
Allow you to fall crazy in love
Me and my ex just broke and I’m so upset! But this article helps! Thanks:)
Wow- such a great post Gracie. I’m going through a break-up at the moment and I always thought people exaggerated how horrible they are but nope - they are devastating! It’s helpful to read all the comments though from everyone - gives me hope that the pain does eventually go away : )