As I get older, I’m realizing the importance of tough love – both being able to give and receive it. And no, I’m not talking about this TDH.
(Although, maybe I should seek him for some help with getting a Valentine…?)
Anyway, It all started when my mom – thee nicest, most selfless person in the world – started giving me doses of tough love here and there. At first I thought, “how dare she be so frank with me when I’m obviously upset about (insert insignificant issue here)?!”
But you know what? Sometimes, I am a huge baby about things. And I think it’s really important to be able to recognize when someone is actually doing you a favor by providing tough love.
The difficult part, though, comes when it’s time to share tough love with someone else. I’m naturally a non-confrontational people-pleaser to a certain extent. I also don’t like telling people what to do. But sometimes, not saying what needs to be said is actually causing that person more harm than good.
So, how exactly do you give someone tough love without giving bad advice or risk them getting angry? Here are some of my tips.
how to give tough love without getting punched in the face.
1. Use “I feel” and “I think” rather than “you should.”
If there is any single thing that I learned from studying Interpersonal Communication, it’s this. No matter how sure you are that a person should be doing x, y, or z, 99 percent of the time it is not your place to prescribe that to them. Instead, you have to extend what you would do. Framing a statement as “you should do THIS” or “you should be reacting THIS way” is only going to rub that person the wrong way. I can almost guarantee it. So, for example, instead of saying something like:
You should really stop worrying about that. It’s not a big deal.
Try something like:
I feel like you’re placing too much unnecessary worry on yourself. If I were you, I’d try to sit back and really consider (x, y, or z).”
See the difference? (Ironically, I was sort of just prescribing how you should not prescribe, but I think you get my point.)
2. Don’t be too harsh.
People often use the concept of tough love as a reason to be straight up mean or rude to others. But, hello, you can’t discard the love part of tough love! The point of giving tough love isn’t to lash out at others, it’s to help them. Really try to reflect and make sure that you have good intentions rather than acting out in annoyance.
3. Start with “I’m only saying this because I care about you.”
This is one of the best ways to ensure that you’re not being too harsh. Starting the conversation with that (or a similar) phrase not only shows the other person where you’re coming from, but it also acts as a reminder to yourself that you’re speaking out in love rather than to tell someone off.
4. Still be a good listener.
Although giving tough love can sometimes seem like an intervention of sorts, that doesn’t mean that the person being given the advice shouldn’t be able to still extend how they’re feeling. Just because you might be sure that giving tough love is the best thing for them, try to remember that tough love isn’t usually something that people instantly accept. In fact, it usually isn’t until after the interaction that people will walk away and realize that your tough love advice was actually valid.
If you truly want to help the person, you have to be able to listen and consider where they’re coming from. Maybe there’s a piece of information that you didn’t have before coming up with your tough love approach. And like I said earlier, prescribing what someone should do without even allowing them to respond is not going to be of any help to them (or you) in the long run.
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Is it difficult for you to accept tough love? Do you ever give it to others??
“I statements” are DEFINITELY the way to go so that you may be careful not to offend someone or appear to be making judgments or criticisms. It really does make a huge difference in terms of where the conversation is headed and how reactive the person is (in my opinion)!
oh boy i give it to others! gotta work on DIS MAJORLY- i LOVE that show too.. the guy has a funny voice- its like kind of high!
I have never really thought about the phrase or concept of “accepting tough love” but this was an awesome post.
I recently had to do this last weekend in a BIG way when my entire family sat down and expressed a lot of concern about me. I honestly wouldn’t call it tough love per se, but they did it right, exactly what you described above. It was very hard for everyone but I know it ended up being good.
I’m such a tough love person (okay okay maybe a little bit harsh at times) and I know it’s hard for the people I’m closest with sometimes. I just can’t help it! If they ask my advice, they get it.
Sometimes it’s difficult for me to accept tough love, but I use every comment of constructive criticism as a way to improve.
I do give tough love occassionally.
I think some other good tips for giving tough love are TIMING, SINCERITY, and HUMILITY.
If someone’s screaming and yelling and super pist off….wait until they cool down.
And when you do give that tough love, be sincere and humble. NOBODY will receive what you have to say if you’re just saying it to hear yourself talk and you’re haughty about it.
AMEN to your additional tips!! especially timing. I totally should add that to this post…!
Melie says
Haha! It is funny. I was discussing something comparable at my blog today. For me, I think that there is what you say and there is how you say it. If the how conveys real concern and interest, then people are bound to listen to it. Yours is good advice!
I think that tough love is SO important. I try not to frame it in a way that it would be taken personally vs usefully. Great post, girl! I agree with all of it:)
Leanne says
Tough love is important - emphasis on LOVE, not so much on the tough part. Usually, I give it (sometimes, I recieve it - I may fret over it for a minute, but then I realize that I needed it). I actually gave some “tough love” to an *ex* best friend of mine. It basically put a huge hole in the relationship because although I was following the “rules” above, she is EXTREMELY beyond sensitive. Ugh. That day, I was like “EFF, this whole tough love crap! I’m not opening my mouth anymore!” Haha. So it’s def risky business sometimes :X
eek, sorry to hear that
You’re right - no matter how you go about it, giving tough love definitely is a risk!!
I am definitely a tough-love kinda gal (I’m an Aries, I can’t help it!). I learned that not every one can handle this type of brutally honesty. I agree with your pointers, they help get your point across without upsetting the other person!
Sable says
I am definitely a tough love giver…I need to get a little bit better at the “love” part! I am a really touchy-feely love-dovey person BUT I tend to kind of hide those feelings and not express them…which is bad. I’m a work in progress
Renée says
This advice has seriously helped me out today! I’m trying to help my friend realize a bad path she’s considering and after reading this, I was very careful to make sure I’m coming across in a totally non-judgmental way while still giving her 100% honesty.
Glad to hear that it helped, Renee! Hope everything works out
I’m always kind of scared to give tough love, because I don’t do well with receiving it myself. I don’t get mad, I get sad- I’m so oversensitive sometimes! But I think you have good tips. #1 is hard to follow for me because I’ve heard when trying to help someone you shouldn’t say “I” too much, and then I feel selfish…but you’re right, it’s much easier to put it in that framework than to say “you should.”
I am the queen of giving tough love, but hate receiving it!!!
I am so critical of myself that when I get tough love, it’s like getting it times 100. I’m really careful about how I give it too - I kinda get a feel for the situation to see if the person will be receptive at that point, using those interpersonal skills that you talked about 😉
Felicia says
What a great post! I always harp on my brother, calling it tough love, but i hate getting it. These are wonderful tips to keep in mind!
Mandi says
I definitely think tough love is often necessary. Even though the person receiving it may not be too happy about it, it usually helps a lot more in the long run. Although I have to admit, sometimes when I receive it myself, I don’t take it all too well.
I think tough love is so important in life. I can take and I do give it to my closest friends. The best thing you can do for a friend or family member is be honest, and if it’s a little tough its only because you care.
Hannah says
I think it’s really important to give tough-love, to me when I receive it, sometimes I’ll get a little mad, but then I’ll think about how saying whatever they are saying can’t be easy….I know that I only give it out if I truly mean what I’m saying
I’m really bad at giving out tough love. Even if I don’t agree with someone, I tend to just sympathize with them because I don’t want to upset them even more! I’ve been told I’m too soft. 😛
I recently ended a 4-year season of counseling/mothering/mentoring teen girls. While I don’t regret any of my time spent with those girls, I will make some changes next time- including more tough love. I agree with what you’re saying here; sometimes neglecting to speak up (in LOVE, of course) is not loving at all.
I actually plan on writing about this soon; it’s funny we were both thinking of a similar topic at the same time.
Please do post about that!! Sounds like a very eye-opening experience, for sure.
I have a hard time giving or accepting “tough love” sometimes.
These are some good tips…kind of going along with the first point, I think it helps to avoid saying “always” and “never,” because most people aren’t always or never anything. It can help to rephrase it as “often.”